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If Life gives you lemons, make lemonade –  Conversation with Tapasya Kaul Rajaram

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Tapasya Kaul Rajaram surprises you with her candour and honesty. Her life has not been easy. The journey was often overwhelming for Tapasya, but she met every adversity with resilience and courage and embraced every setback as a stepping stone to success. Read about her journey and her unique ability to acknowledge and appreciate herself and the universe despite all that life has thrown at her.

Tapasya, I would like to ask you about your childhood experiences and the impact it had on your life .

I am from a Kashmiri Pandit family. I was born in Kanpur my father was with the army and then with the Central Industrial Security  Force (CISF) and my mother was a teacher.  This meant it was a transferable job and we had to move around a lot.  I am the elder child and then there is my younger sister, who is five years younger than me. My schooling was at Kendriya Vidyalaya (KV) schools all over India – Chennai, and Mumbai, but the years I remember the most are the ones I spent in Begusarai in Bihar where I did my high school. Adolescence was difficult for me.  

There was this one incident during this time that impacted me. One of the jawans who reported to my father, was upset because his leave had not been sanctioned. I guess he knew that I was the daughter of the family.  It was Holi and I was walking on the road near my home. He grabbed me from behind and started misbehaving with me. He made me very uncomfortable. I was fourteen and it was very traumatic for me. After that, I never played Holi. I don’t have good memories of the festival and that memory remains with me even today.

But there are good memories too. With the CISF,  one always felt a sense of community and people were always there for a fellow officer and their families. Every time we shifted; people would invite us to their house. We were exposed to so many different cultures, cuisines, and perspectives.

I did my English Hons at  Delhi University. I wanted to be a doctor, but my mother felt my grades were insufficient.  After graduation, I changed my line completely. I decided to get into something technical, as I was not interested in doing my Masters in English.  I did a two-year course in software engineering from NIIT. I then worked with the technical help desk of a software company.

Your first marriage changed your life in more ways than one. Are you ok with sharing your experience?

I got married in 2007 when I was 33. I met a man recommended by my father and the marriage took place. I felt grateful that he had accepted me, as I had already been rejected by so many potential suitors. I was so excited that someone was interested in me. He had a good job and most importantly he was based in Delhi. But it was a short-lived marriage, it only lasted for about 100 days.  

We went to Malaysia, on a honeymoon, but my husband was constantly sick with nausea and fever. From the very beginning, he was critical of my weight, always mocking and belittling me. After we came back, we never had a normal relationship. There was no real communication between us. The relationship was not great from the very beginning and I felt a sense of foreboding.  The future seemed dark, there was no sense of happiness.

One month after I came back from Malaysia, I missed my period. The  doctor confirmed that  I was pregnant. Like every other pregnant woman, I was asked to do an HIV test. But I knew something was wrong when the hospital delayed getting back to me with the results. They told me that they had lost my sample and that I had to do it again.  When the doctor called me and asked me questions about my marriage and my partner, I was bewildered. When she asked my husband to get tested, he initially refused. Both of us were found to be HIV positive. In those days awareness about AIDS and HIV was low. In addition to HIV, he also had other venereal diseases.

My husband was evasive and refused to take any responsibility. I was also reluctant to tell my parents about what happened. My father had a heart issue and I didn’t want to upset him. It was very stressful for me; I was devastated. The shock made me lose my baby. Despite this, I tried my best to stay in the marriage. But my husband started drinking and became abusive and in denial of his condition. His parents blamed me and told their extended family that I had passed on the disease to him.  I was depressed and couldn’t take it anymore.  I eventually told my parents the truth and they supported me through the process of getting a divorce. My husband made life very difficult for me and was not willing to give back the things my parents had gifted me during the wedding. Fortunately, the judge was sympathetic and the divorce by mutual consent was granted quickly.

Post-divorce, it must have been a traumatic time for you.

I became paranoid after that. I was so worried that I had some venereal disease in addition to HIV and I would get myself checked regularly. I was paranoid about my health. I was depressed and miserable. I was over 110 kgs in weight, fighting diabetes and obesity, and very depressed. I suffered from heavy bleeding during menstruation and felt very weak.  When my CD4 count became very low, I had to start my ART ( anti-retroviral therapy) treatment to avoid  getting opportunistic infections

I quit my software job because all the senior employees knew what had happened and also knew my husband. I felt so humiliated. I did not want to meet anyone. I did not want to meet family or friends. My friends were encouraging me to work and go out, but I was not able to make any decisions. I was incessantly crying and depressed. Mental health was swept under the carpet then, it wasn’t discussed openly. Eventually, with time I was able to go out and get a job. I joined Bachpan Bachao Andolan, a non-profit that focuses on child rights.  Focusing on development issues allowed me to look at my problems through a different lens. I was slowly able to emerge from my shell. But I was lonely and yearned to find a partner who could love me for the person I was.

But when things fall apart, it can be a sign they may be falling into place, isn’t it?

It was around that point in time, that a friend of mine, introduced me to Dr Suniti. (Suniti Solomon was a physician and microbiologist who pioneered AIDS research and prevention in India after having diagnosed the first Indian AIDS case in 1986).  She came to Delhi to meet me, a lady of that stature, for a special reason. I had expressed my intention to find a partner who was also HIV-positive like me.  She had found someone who was a potential candidate and came all the way to meet me to see if there was a potential match. A documentary was being made by the famous filmmaker duo, Ann S  Kim and Priya Giri Desai on single people with HIV who were interested in finding a partner.   I was open to the idea of getting married again, but I was determined that this time around I would find the right person. I have been living with HIV since 2007. I was ready to move on and find happiness and stability in my life.

Suniti also gave me much-needed medical support and helped me treat my condition. It was Suniti who first introduced my future husband Kartik (name changed) to me. The documentary makers were already following Kartik for three to four years when they met me. Kartik and I got introduced to each other and there was an instant connection. First, we talked on the phone, and over time met each other a few times. Both of us were open to the idea of finding a partner, but we had to contend with being in a long-distance relationship.  I was in Delhi and he was in another city. He used to write me long emails that talked about his perspectives and his values, which were very compatible with mine.

We met each other’s families after communicating via email and phone for over four months. When Kartik finally proposed to me, I decided I would marry him and move to city that he lived in. It wasn’t easy moving to an alien city and live with a family who were very different from me. It took me a long time to adjust to the city and his family, but Kartik was kind and supportive.  

After you got married, you decided that you would take charge of your destiny and live life on your terms.

In 2013, I decided that I would do a Master’s in Education and managed to get into Azim Premji University. I moved into the hostel. The course was academically rigorous and allowed me to look at education with a fresh eye, and learn new techniques and perspectives in research and paper writing. My husband meanwhile took up a job in Africa. We were apart for two years. After I finished my course, I moved to Africa and worked in a school as an Assistant Principal. In 2015, we moved back to India and started working in the non-profit sector in various capacities.

For much of your life, you have been plagued by weight issues. How has that impacted your life?

I was always fat. I was body shamed and ridiculed as a child by family and friends. My sister was thin and I was always very fat. I couldn’t fit into any ready-made clothes and my mother had to get my clothes stitched. My size was not available. My relatives always commented on my weight and compared me to my sister; my pet name was Moti.  Whenever I got stressed, I would end up eating fried and fatty foods. When my parents started looking for a groom for me,  I was rejected for my weight. I got rejected so many times, that I was so stressed and depressed.

In retrospect, if I think about all the guys who came and saw me and rejected me, it’s hilarious but at that point of time, it really hurt and upset me terribly. I remember an incident clearly.  I was working in Infosys and my father arranged for a guy to meet me in 2005. We met at a KFC outlet. I remember that he never bothered to even enquire if I ate meat. I was and am still a vegetarian. He just went ahead and ordered chicken without asking me what I wanted. He met some of his colleagues and didn’t even bother to introduce me to them. I was so upset and humiliated, that I just wanted to leave.  I was so tired of this—my early 30s. I was also being blamed because my sister couldn’t get married till I did.

Weight has always impacted me all my life, I go through this vicious cycle, where I gain weight easily. I can’t afford to be even slightly careless about my diet and any emotional or mental issue that I face translates into weight gain. After I got married for the second time, my husband gave me the confidence to be comfortable with the person I was. He accepted me as I am and loved me for what I was and am. I began to focus a lot more on my health and well-being. Initially, it was all about losing weight and looking slim, I was also diagnosed with cervical spondylitis and the doctor wanted me to go in for surgery. I was not keen on that and the only way to deal with this issue was to lose weight. I began to look at this challenge holistically. My relationship with food began to change. I was mindful of what I ate but I also began to examine the process of eating and the type of food I consumed. I began to take my time when I consumed a meal and ate with intent and focus. I also supplemented this with exercise and meditation and it made a huge change in my life.

Tell us about the documentary on Kartik and you. There was also a book released on your journey together, isn’t it?

The documentary called Lovesick was eight years in the making. It started in 2008 and was eight years in the making. It interweaves our story ( Kartik’s and mine) with Dr. Solomon’s personal and professional journey. Our lives, views, and perspectives were depicted with a lot of empathy, compassion, and humour.

It premiered on 15th November 2017 in New York City at the DOC NYC Film Festival After that it was featured and won several awards in various festivals both in India and abroad. We travelled to a few of the festivals where the documentary was featured. A book by the same name was released in 2019. I co-authored it with a friend and it is available on Amazon.

Tell us about your experience with Nichiren Buddism and how it has helped you.

I got into Buddhism and chanting in 2003. I was a very angry person, very upset about all that I had to go through in my life, and the stress and stigma that I felt after becoming HIV positive was very difficult to deal with. My anger and frustration spilled over and began to affect my relationships with my friends and colleagues. I would feel very bitter and negative about my coworkers and it impacted my relationships with them. One of my co-workers who understood that my feelings of hostility stemmed from a lack of self-worth and deep-rooted resentment introduced me to the practice.

I found the chanting very soothing and it brought me great peace. I started practicing it regularly and it became an essential part of my life. The changes in me were enormous. I became calmer, more focused, and have healthy relationships with people. I could put aside my resentment and hurt and look at people through the lens of empathy and understanding.  The change was gradual and even now I am constantly experiencing the transition that is helping me become a better person.

It is very inspiring to hear your story. My final question is what would be your advice to young women who are facing various challenges in their life – weight issues, being HIV positive, having low confidence, or a poor sense of self-worth

 I am often called by various organizations that work on HIV/ AIDS issues to create awareness or act as a motivator and role model for others with HIV. It took me a very long time to find myself and be the best I can be. So, this is the message I give to those who are struggling to cope with life and all that it throws on you. Start at the bottom, but remember to constantly walk forward, even if it’s one step at a time. Sometimes life is full of lows, but if we are patient and positive, the highs will come. Stay away from negativity and people who pull you down. Most importantly, put yourself first.

“You get in life what you have the courage to ask for.”

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Reeta Sabhani is an extraordinary woman who made bold and unique choices and created her businesses from scratch, despite all odds, by sheer determination and an untiring work ethic. In the late 90s, she came up with the idea to start a gym. The odds were not in her favour as she’d never worked in the sector, had not taken a business course, and was a homemaker and a parent to young children who had just begun school. Despite a not-so-enabling environment at home and substantial challenges in establishing a work-life balance, she worked hard to become a successful entrepreneur. Today she not only runs a thriving fitness business but also empowers other women and men to transform themselves both physically and emotionally, regain their sense of self-worth to build confidence and resilience, and overcome the harmful mental models and social norms that hold them back. Do join me, as I talk to Reeta about her entrepreneurial journey and her resolve and determination to take the path less trodden.

Reeta, thank you for talking to me. Please tell me a little bit about your childhood and early years in Gujarat.

I belong to a place called Adipur Kutch in Gujarat. Adipur is a town in Gandhidham Municipal Corporation of Kutch District in the state of Gujarat. Adipur was initially founded as a refugee camp after the partition of India, in 1947, by the Government for the resettlement of Sindhi immigrants from Sindh, now in West Pakistan. It is close to Kandla port and between Kandla and Bhuj. It’s a small town, but had a cosmopolitan culture, with people who took up various trades and jobs. all service class people. My father was a customs officer working in Kandla Port and my mother was a housewife.

I was born there and lived in Adipur till I finished my graduation. I was the second of four children, all girls. My parents were hoping desperately for a boy and therefore did not give me much attention. I was submissive and always suppressed my emotions. I was always the one to mediate between my sisters even as a young girl. The atmosphere at home was traditional and we were never given enough attention.  My father felt lost in a family of only women. But if there was one thing I learned from them, it was to be independent and self-reliant. My father always said “Stand on your own feet and my mother  would say “Don’t depend on others.” I internalized these values as a child and it has been a principle that I have followed as an adult.

After graduation, where did life take you?

I wanted to do Bachelors in Business Administration, but my father did not want to me to go to Ahmedabad for the course. After my graduation, I knew I wanted to take up a job, but was confused. Career options in those days were limited, I could get into a bank or opt for a career in insurance. But I believed that I could do better. I wanted a career in Customs. However, my father fell ill and this dream remained unrealized. I appeared for the life insurance exam and got selected. I was the only one who got selected from my college. I was not the smartest but believed that I could do well. I was around 21 years old and was keen to leave home and experience life as an independent woman

 I was posted in Dhrangadra in Surendranagar District. It was a very small place. The Life insurance office had a policy of stationing two women together at each center to ensure that we had each other for company, security, and support.  It was about four hours by bus from my hometown. Being alone made me more responsible. I had to manage with the meagre salary, but I didn’t want to burden my parents. It was tough but I loved the feeling of independence. But it only lasted for a little over a year.

But there was also the pressure to get married and settle down. Did you get married at an early age?

At sixteen, I fell in love with a boy in my school. Both families accepted our relationship because we were from the same community. It was understood that we would get married once both of us finished our education and got a job.

In December 93, at the age of 22, I got married. I was apprehensive about getting married so early but I did not have a choice. My husband too had to take on the additional responsibility of being a husband too early. After he got a job, he was posted at another location. It was understood that I had to compromise and be with him at this new location. I did not quit my job but went on long leave without pay. After some time, I was transferred to Kutch and had to quit my job as I had my first child by then and became a homemaker.

Not being able to work must have been very difficult for you. But you found a way to cope with your frustration and anger, didn’t you?

I was very upset about quitting my job. I received little support at home from either my husband or in-laws. Staying at home had its negatives. I gained considerable weight. I felt that I had lost my sense of identity, I was a mere extension of my husband. I joined a computer class with Aptech but was not able to convert that into a job opportunity.

A new fitness center had opened near my house in Surat and I decided that I would join it to lose weight. I was very focused, motivated, and excited about joining the gym. It also gave me the opportunity to do something for myself and have some me-time in the process. I lost over 24 kgs. If I look back at my weight loss now, I am not sure it was very scientific. The trainer at the gym used to say “Eat less and exercise more.” That was how my fitness journey started.

I am a very determined person. If I need to achieve something, then I focus on my goal and ensure that I work towards it. Even on the days, I did not go to the gym, I would visualize that I was on the treadmill. The visualization gave me the power to begin my journey. I was the first member of the gym to lose so much weight, that my picture and story came in the newspaper. Their business picked up well and so it was a boost for me that I could contribute to their profits.

Your weight loss journey motivated you to think about a new profession. How did that idea germinate in your mind?

My weight loss gave me a new sense of self-confidence and optimism. I remember telling the owner of the gym where I exercised, that if I had the opportunity, I would open a gym of my own. I was determined to become an entrepreneur, even if it was a small venture.  My husband got transferred to Delhi. I was once again in a conundrum as to how I could leave my children and go to the gym.  But I did not let go of my dreams of starting a business. The Universe heard me and responded positively.

I researched fitness and put together a list of articles from newspapers.  I used to read articles by Leena Mogre, a fitness expert from Mumbai who wrote about health and exercise. I had no idea about the technicalities of fitness and was not familiar with the terms used. I was also a fan of Bharat Thakur’s articles and pictures and I had a book filled with his articles on wellness. I would read about lunges, squats, planks, etc., and familiarise myself with these exercises. I also did a three-month course in yoga at the Morarji Desai Centre for Yoga. I was very much a beginner and was eager to internalize as much knowledge as I could in the area of fitness.

How did you finally realize your dream of starting a business in fitness?

My husband got transferred to Mumbai in 2004. We were based in Jalvayu Vihar in Powai. It was a new town for me, but I was determined to start the business. In September 2005, I decided to take the plunge. I did not discuss it with anyone, even my husband. I created a flyer, got 500 copies printed, and contacted my newspaper agent so that he could deliver it with the newspaper to apartments in my location. I was so nervous. Even contacting the printer and the newspaper agent was stressful for me. I had never done anything like this before. I also went to the manager of the society manager and asked for permission to start a fitness class at home. They felt it would be very useful for the women in the community and permitted me to conduct yoga and fitness classes only for women.

To start with, only one woman enrolled in the class. I charged her Rs 500 for four weeks and she lost two kgs with the training I provided. Based on my research into fitness, I created several modules to tackle different parts of the body. I used a combination of various techniques, both yoga, and exercises to help people use weight. Wellness as a concept though had not caught on. I also gave a few nutrition tips.

But your journey as a successful entrepreneur had begun. How did you sustain it?

Soon the number grew to five members within two weeks and more. I began to conduct two batches. Despite all this, I made sure I was always there for my kids and did not neglect them. My timings were such that they suited both me and the women who came for fitness training.  I had various types of clients – doctors, air hostesses, homemakers, etc.

But as with any business, one has to face challenges. I was a tenant and some of the residents resented me for running a successful business. They complained to the manager, I was harassed and asked to pay 10 percent to the society because I was earning. Eventually, we had to stop running the classes from home.

We looked around for commercial property and found a suitable space in a community in Powai. I was able to obtain some financial resources and purchase the property with support from my husband. I purchased 500 square feet of space. It was only for women and was called Reeta’s Revive.  I started my venture on 21st July 2006. I intended to revive, rejuvenate and transform the lives of women both externally and from within.

Also, in those days, the fitness business was in its nascent stages. There was no gym around my area, Talwalkar’s ( the only well-known gym in Mumbai, at that time)  was a distance away. Healthcare professionals in the area recommended clients to me, as they could see results in people who came for training. I was able to earn a decent income. It was going very well.

Since then, the response was very good and the gym has grown in strength. I purchased equipment for the gym and we hired our first trainer. The trainer was an excellent resource and taught me a lot about the technical aspects of fitness. I also did more classes in yoga and was able to offer additional classes. There was an exponential increase in the number of clients we got. I also offered power yoga and gym. As part of my yoga training, I also learned and received study material on meditation.  I also started meditation classes, and many of my clients were very appreciative. One of them even told me, that it helped open up her chakras.

I also got into pranic healing to deal with my mood swings and this was a useful course and added value for the gym too. In 2014, we shifted to a larger space.

But despite your professional success, you were going through a lot of personal turmoil. How did you address the issue?

Despite running a very successful business, I had always felt very undervalued as a person. As a result of COVID, we had to temporarily close the gym and this meant a drastic drop in income. I was conducting yoga and fitness classes online and received support from my clients. During the lockdown, I felt that my opinions and perspectives were not being taken seriously. I tried to convey this to my husband, but I was not taken seriously. There was affection and love, but my role and contribution to the family were taken for granted. I was not being heard or respected, my thoughts and feelings did not matter. In addition, I was not able to set boundaries and I began to feel a sense of suffocation. I was taking on a lot of responsibilities for the extended family and there was no reciprocation in terms of gratitude or appreciation. Feeling valued in a relationship is healthy, and while you cannot expect your partner to meet your every need, it is reasonable to expect your partner to appreciate what you do for the relationship.

Most importantly, my identity as a successful entrepreneur was not recognized or appreciated. Running a fitness business is not easy, even more so for a woman. When I was asked questions about my business, my husband would attempt to answer for me, when it was I who deserved the opportunity to respond without constantly being disrupted and derailed.  It was rude, frustrating, and counterproductive for me.

With the home atmosphere not conducive, I began to get anxiety bouts. My husband and I went for couples counselling, but it did not work. My health was also suffering. I decided that I needed to take a break from this toxic atmosphere and told my husband that I would like to separate and needed some breathing space. I did not like the person I had become. My children were supportive and realized my need to examine our life together and resolve to make changes to the relationship or simply move on from it. I needed a ‘time-out.’

Personal changes in your life have only made you stronger and come back with a resolve to help people in their fitness and mental health journeys. What are the new changes that you have introduced in your work?

 My yoga, meditation, and spirituality classes are appreciated. I got into life coaching and it helped me focus on self-care and take certain appropriate actions to turn my life around. I am now a certified life coach and can help bring others to bring their life and goals back on track. I am now using the various therapies that helped me heal and hoping to support others. I hope to cut down my time at the gym and offer my clients alternative healing, therapy, and life transformation programs.  My new goal is to offer my clients a fitness and well-being umbrella program so they can discover new things about themselves and focus on their dreams, desires, and goals with a sense of purpose and acceptance.

A new tool that has helped me and is useful for my clients is the Ho’oponopono technique.  Ho’oponopono is an ancient Hawaiian spiritual practice that involves learning to heal all things by accepting “Total Responsibility” for everything that surrounds us – confession, repentance, and reconciliation. (https://www.compassionatelistening.org/). This technique has helped so many of my clients, it has opened new ways of thinking and channeling their thoughts and perspectives.

Personally, I have also greatly benefitted from a guide or a spiritual teacher who provides me with a sense of purpose and am a follower of the Oneness Movement, which has helped me address the challenges of life in a calm and collected manner.

I want to bring awareness among people that there is a lot of emotional trauma we hold within us, and we need to first acknowledge and accept that it exists. Once we do that, we can learn to develop a positive energy space that brings about healing, understanding, and connection within oneself and with others.  

“There is a superhero in all of us. We just need the courage to put on the cape” – a conversation with Prakruthi Subramanya

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Nature reminds us that the simplest things are often the most beautiful. When Prakruthi Subramanya, a finance professional succumbed to the pull of nature and forests, she went through a gradual shift that enable her to slow down, and repurpose her life.   In the process, she engaged in extraordinary experiences that empowered her and helped her become a happier and more accepting person.  Do join me in this delightful conversation with Prakruthi where she talks about how she engages with nature on a daily basis to protect her surroundings and the beings that coexist with us.

Thank you, Prakruthi, for talking to us. Let’s start as I always do, by asking about your childhood and its impact on your choices in life.

My childhood was quite the opposite of what I now am as a person. I was very shy, I was a frontbencher, studious, and very reserved. I mostly kept to myself. We lived in different parts of Bangalore as my dad was a veterinarian who got transferred to various veterinary hospitals. What I remember most is our stay in Hesarghata, where he was working with the State Government Animal Farm. My father loved animals and was the outdoorsy type. My mom on the other hand was a homebody. I was happiest indoors spending time with my mom.  

I lived on a cattle farm but was scared of the buffaloes and bulls that roamed around freely. Though we lived amidst nature, I had absolutely no interest in wildlife. I was scared of all animals and would either run away or shoo them when I saw them. We had a dog at home for twelve years, but I never petted him.

That is a very contrary image to how I see you now. The assumption is that children who live amidst nature love to experience the sights, scents, sounds, and textures of the outdoors and become better people because of it.

I would say that we were never taught to either love nature or fear it. My indifference to nature could be linked to my hatred of science and biology and the way we were taught those subjects in school. It was shoved down our throats and we were forced to rote learn it without actual exposure to nature and critical questioning and analysis. I never looked at my dog for example as a member of the family. It was there to ensure our security and that was it.

But there came a time when you began to see life around you differently. When did that happen?

I did my BCom in Bangalore and got into a conventional career like many other professionals. I joined a multinational and worked on data analysis and taxation. I became a workaholic who worked long hours. I loved my job, as I was into numbers. I met my husband Vinay at work and we got married.

But a few years later, things changed. We were planning to relocate to the US. A few days before we left, my husband had a fall and fractured his leg. We had to shelve our plans to move to the US. He needed surgery and a mandatory six weeks of bed rest and another six weeks of physiotherapy. Three months of immobility was very difficult for Vinay. I wasn’t driving at that point and he would beg our friends to take him out for a drive. I think it was at that point that we began to see things differently.

 After that,  we started travelling and went to places where we could enjoy nature. It became a regular weekend activity. We went to Ooty. Vinay bought a camera and got into photography. At that point, for me, it was just a need to go out and experience the outdoors. It didn’t matter where I went. After our daughter was born, we moved to a community on the outskirts of Bangalore. We wanted to live amidst nature and greenery and not within the city.  Vinay got interested in birding and I would tag along with him on his outings.  We were members of a Bangalore birding group and went birding twice a month with a group. We also did the Jungle Lodges and Resorts, Naturalist training Program (JLR – NTP) training. It was an eye-opener for both of us. We were able to get a lot of practical knowledge about forests and wildlife and a broad understanding of ecosystems and how they are connected.

out travel plans were spontaneous and we did several short trips in Karnataka, our home State. With a young child, it was difficult to plan ahead. We did regular trips to Bandipur, Kabini, Dandeli, Sakleshpur, Coorg, Chikmagalur, etc. Not just forests, we also visited Hampi, Badami, and Pattadakal to visit ancient temples and monuments.

It was at this stage that you developed a new, rather unique interest. Tell us about it.

As I mentioned earlier, we moved to a community called Good Earth Malhar, on the outskirts of the city. This was in 2015. The community was still in its infancy. My neighbour, a wildlife enthusiast, called out to me one morning.  He was holding something small. It was a baby snake. I was quite nervous. He did something extraordinary. He put the baby snake in my hand. I don’t know how I held it.  Surprisingly I wasn’t scared. He told me it was a non-venomous snake. A few weeks later we had an awareness program on snakes and I learned so many new facts about them and the myths and misnomers related to them. It opened my eyes. It was also decided that a snake group will be formed and training will be provided on how to handle a snake. I was quite fascinated and volunteered to be part of the group and expressed an interest in wanting to get trained to handle snakes.

If you ask me, why I made that decision, I can’t give you an answer. I later discovered that it was a baby keelback, that was put in my hand. I am the type of person who can’t remember a botanical name easily. I kept asking my neighbour the name of the snake and luckily for me, he was a very patient man, who put up with my questions.  This changed me as a person and made me feel good about myself. My daughter’s friends were in awe of me. To them, I was a woman who could catch snakes. A superhero with superpowers! (laughs…). It made me feel very good about myself.

I did a one-day course with People for Animals (PFA) on catching snakes. They teach you how to handle snakes and feel comfortable around them.  I got a chance to handle a big rat snake.  We have so many misconceptions about snakes. You see snakes and think slimy. But when you hold a snake, it is firm and all muscle. It is like touching a human hand. But the real experience was on the ground with other members of the community.

I was the only woman in the group, but I never felt or was made to feel that I couldn’t handle snakes because I was a woman.  We would get a call from time to time from residents who had seen snakes in the vicinity of their houses and I would accompany my neighbour who was an experienced snake handler.  Our motto was to catch the snake only if it was a venomous one and then release it in the undergrowth which surrounded the community. If it was a non-venomous snake we left it alone unless it was inside someone’s house. Injuring or killing snakes was an absolute no-no. Within a few months, I was able to catch most snakes on my own. I have caught about ten snakes on my own and about 30 to 40 snakes with support from other snake catchers in the community. I am now able to identify most snakes.  I would love to go to Agumbe to visit the King Cobra Research Centre and go herping. (Herping is the act of searching for amphibians or reptiles). I am much more comfortable around animals now and love wildlife.

Have you ever questioned yourself or had regrets about taking on this risky activity?

I don’t think I have ever had regrets about getting into this.  I have felt nervous several times especially when I handle venomous snakes. I remember this incident which happened during my initial days of handling snakes. There was a snake outside my house. I handled it and then bagged the snake very confidently. I thought it was a rat snake but it turned out to be a cobra. That made me feel a bit jittery as many things could have gone wrong.

It is very important that one not feel overconfident around a snake. It is a wild animal and it is important to handle it with respect and care. One needs to be careful and ensure that there is support when one is handling a venomous snake. I have been bitten a couple of times by non-venomous snakes and the bites can range from bad to something very minor.

Very often, people panic or have a phobia when it comes to snakes. I often spend more time calming the person down than catching the snake. We conduct snake awareness sessions on the various types of snakes commonly seen in the community and in Bangalore, how to identify them, and what steps to take if one sees a snake. We take care to educate children especially as they often encounter snakes when they are out playing.

You also have recently gotten into nature journaling. What does it involve?

I follow a lot of nature enthusiasts and wildlife experts on social media. I recently took a nature journaling workshop with a well-known wildlife artist and enjoyed the process.  I love to scribble and doodle, and her classes were an eye-opener.  It was about documenting nature and wildlife.

As a part of international journalling week, I posted my work online and received a lot of appreciation. The neat aspect of journalling is that you don’t need to be an expert at drawing. The focus is on documentation.  I got a lot of appreciation for my journalling work. It felt very good.  

Your exposure to forests and wildlife made you a different person.

As a child, I was told that one needed to be perfect at the art one practised. If you wanted to sing, you had to be a good singer. But with time, I realized that one doesn’t have to be perfect at everything one does. It’s the passion and interest that matters. When I got into handling snakes, it was on a whim, but soon it changed into a passion. I felt so good about myself and what I was doing.  And most importantly I was never judged or told that I couldn’t handle snakes because I was a woman. There were no expectations or pressure. 

I work part-time for an independent contractor but spend the rest of my time volunteering with a small non-profit that is engaged in training local communities as naturalists. I help them with their financing and accounts.

Don’t worry, close your eyes and jump in. (laughs…) For a long time, I was caught in this loop of what would others say. I was worried that people would stare and comment if I sang or danced. But once you find what you’re looking for and someone gives you that small glimmer of hope, then there is no stopping you.  

What would you say to someone who wants to be cool and alternative like you?

Four little-known facts when it comes to snakes

  1. Snakes are NOT aggressive. Snakes do not bite out of malice and they certainly do not go looking for enemies. They will defend their lives if/when needed. Snakes DO like to be left alone.
  2. Intense fear of snakes is called ophidiophobia, but perhaps ophidiophobes have it all wrong
  3. Reptiles sometimes get labelled ‘cold-blooded’ but this is incorrect as their blood isn’t cold. Unlike mammals and birds that can internally regulate their body temperature, reptiles are “solar-powered” and rely fully on external heat or light sources like the sun, to warm up.
  4. Snakes don’t have eyelids! This means they don’t blink and have to sleep with their eyes wide open. Instead, they have a thin membrane attached to each eye to protect them. The membrane is called the ‘brille,’ which in German means glasses.

Reduce, reuse and recycle: A conversation with Priti Rao

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Priti Rao lives by the adage “Waste not want not.”.  Shen believes that “waste” must become a resource — to be reworked, reused, and upcycled. Priti’s efforts in producing bio enzymes have now made her one of the foremost experts in the world. she believes that all of us as world citizens have a responsibility to make the world a safe and healthy place for ourselves and future generations. Read my conversation with her on womenuninterrupted.in

Priti,  it is a privilege to feature you on this blog. Much of what you are now, your determination and grit have been shaped by your childhood. Tell us about yourself.

I feel very privileged and proud that I am from a defence background. As a child, we lived in so many different locations. I was exposed to various communities and their cultures and practices. I changed schools every three years.  That was not easy but it made me very flexible and adaptable. We celebrated all festivals and were open to eating various cuisines. Our family would go through a transfer every few years and it was a monumental task to pack and move to another city.  With each transfer, I had to go to a new school and make friends yet again. But it made me very resilient and accepting of change. It also allowed me to see places as a child – Rajasthan, Jammu, Meghalaya, etc and experience the wonder and beauty of new environments. We also learned the art of co-dependence and connecting with people in the services. Our neighbours and friends were always available for us as were we. There was also a certain sense of discipline and structure that was inculcated, which has been of great help to me later in life.

As a young adult, you lived your life to the fullest. Besides the conventional path of academics and then a career, you engaged in several other activities.

I engaged in several activities during my years in college in Bangalore . I enrolled myself in the NCC (National Cadet Corps) Air Wing. They usually don’t enroll girls in the Airwing.  Only 10 percent of those enrolled were girls. In Bangalore, we were about 20 girls and 200 boys. They trained us in paragliding, parasailing, marching in parades, aircraft flying sorties, etc. It developed character, discipline, leadership,  and a spirit of adventure in me. I also think it planted the seeds of engaging in social service. My cadet friends and I used to go to the airfield at Jakkur almost every day. We had to be there very early and I don’t remember ever getting irritated about that. I loved spending my time with my NCC friends, it was like a second home to me.  Though we got attendance, I also had to juggle my studies. I went to the Republic Day Parade in 1995 and got a gold medal from the then Prime Minister, Narasimha Rao.

When I started a new job, my friend and I would pack up and travel over the weekend. I was able to explore Karnataka in detail. I connected with local people and my native state. I would also just take a bus or a train and get off at a station or a bus stop at random and explore the area.  I joined a  horse-riding club close to my office. I would leave early in the morning at around 5 am. for the practice ( cantering, galloping, etc.) and then go to work. It was a wonderful experience. It kept me very active and made me use muscles I had never used before.

This continued even after I got married and had a job.  I lived in the UK for a brief period. I would along with my infant son,  board a bus or train and visit various places in the UK. I did not wait around for my husband to accompany me. Even later, when I took my son to karate classes, I decided to do something different. Instead of sitting with the other mothers who accompanied their children, I decided that I would also take up Karate. My son and I were classmates. I continued for eight years and got my black belt. I also began to do yoga and did yoga teacher training at the Bihar school of yoga.

How did your journey as an earth warrior start?

When I came back from the  UK, I wasn’t sure that I could get back into a 9-to-5 job. I did not want to work in a corporate. I had worked in one for over a decade, but it gave me no satisfaction. The mindless consumption and the pressure and tension and the need to adhere to impossible deadlines did not appeal to me, but I did not want to stay at home.  It took me five years to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. During this period, I observed many things. I found that we as humans are wasteful and consume so many things. We blame the poor for the garbage and unsanitary conditions, but the rich and the educated are equally responsible for the mindless generation of waste. I wanted to save the environment, but did not know what I wanted to focus on and the form it would take.

It all started with the garbage bin.  Like everybody else, I would place the bin outside my door. A lady pushing a heavy cart would come every day to pick up the wet waste. Every day the lady would get annoyed and complain about the waste not being segregated properly and about the amount that was generated. I couldn’t blame her because she had the unenviable task of pushing a  heavy cart. I decided that I couldn’t be a part of this and needed to understand what was happening.

I studied the entire process- how garbage was generated and by whom, what were the types of garbage and where did it go. I got into composting to reduce and recycle the waste I was generating.

But you wanted to invest in more than just composting and recycling your wet waste. What were your next steps?

I began to explore the concept of Sustainable living. (Sustainable living describes a lifestyle that attempts to reduce the use of Earth’s natural resources by an individual or society).   As a society, we are wasteful and consume so much. We go to the supermarket every day and buy packaged and processed food products. And the wastage is huge. That was a trigger point for me. I researched the dangers of processed food readily available off the shelves and discovered that they had high salt and sugar content, which could affect our health.  So not only do we consume chemicals and harmful substances, but we also play a key role in poisoning the surrounding ecosystem. I stopped buying store-made products such as biscuits, chocolates, etc. In addition, I decided that I would also start growing my own food. There was a time when I was growing forty varieties of vegetables and 25 varieties of herbs on my terrace. When you are growing your food, you are in control of every step of the growing process — from seed selection and soil and pest management to responsible consumption, harvesting, low wastage, and composting.  I installed a bio-gas plant that converted wet waste into cooking gas and installed Solar panels to generate electricity. I began to harvest rainwater. With these simple practices, I not only reduced my consumption and overall carbon footprint.

I analysed my dry waste and found that most of it was plastic from the packaging of processed foods, and bottles used in shampoos and liquid soaps. If we take a look at our shopping bag, most of it is packaged foods and personal care items. I wanted to reverse this ratio. How do we change this? I tried my best to eliminate packaging and non-biodegradable waste by choosing food with no plastic packaging, always carrying a reusable bag, buying local products, and refilling containers to reduce plastic waste. I then discovered the use of bio-enzymes & stopped using chemical-based cleaners at home.  I began experimenting with bio enzymes and that was a turning point in my life.

Bio enzymes is a term that has gained a lot of popularity in recent years. But you have been working and producing bio enzymes for more than a decade now. Tell us a little about bio enzymes and what they mean to you.

Bio-enzymes are organic solutions produced through fermentation of organic waste including various fruits, vegetable peels, and flowers, by mixing in sugar, jaggery/molasses, and water. So essentially, bio enzymes come from our kitchen waste. It takes 60-100 days to ferment organic waste. To fasten the fermentation, yeast can be used as a culture to prepare it in 45-50 days.  . It is so simple to make that everyone can make their own in their homes. It is best made with citrus peels, but many people make use of peels of carrot, cucumber, and lettuce too which criminally end up in the trash. The idea was first introduced by Dr. Rosukon Poompanvong, the founder of the Organic Agriculture Association of Thailand. from Thailand.

I saw a video of  Dr. Joean Oon, an environmentalist from Malaysia on bio enzymes and was inspired to try making it.  I found that it was a simple process. I made it in the kitchen. Initially, there was some scepticism from the family. They were afraid that there would be some odour.  But I proved them wrong. I started making bio enzyme in larger quantities and sharing it with my friends. I also taught them to make it.  We started doing it from lemon peels as the smell of lemons connoted freshness and appealed to lots of people. I was amazed at the versatility of this product and was amazed at its many uses.

It can clean and disinfect all surfaces in the house., it is very effective in removing limescale on taps and other steel appliances, breaks down grease and grime effectively from utensils, and de-clogs drains very effectively. It is also a natural pesticide and herbicide and naturally purifies groundwater. It is also very effective in cleaning polluted lakes.

So eventually you decide that your interest needs to move from a personal sphere to a public domain. You decided to start your foundation.

Producing bio enzymes became a priority for me and I wanted to share this information with others.  Soil and Soul Foundation was conceived around this time. . We started with basic workshops for children and adults. The focus was on sustainable living and the need to preserve the environment.  We also talked about bio enzymes and the benefits it provides. We curated an experiential learning program for a leading school in Bangalore. The idea was to create awareness and ownership among students, staff, management, parents & local administration about managing the waste generated in the school and at home. We developed a holistic curriculum with an emphasis on fun-filled, hands-on learning to bring about behavioural changes.

We also provided training internationally. The Frankfurt University of Applied Science invited Soil and Soul to deliver a workshop on Sustainable Alternatives at their campus in Frankfurt, Germany. Mechanical Engineering students attended the session to understand the issues concerning Waste and Sustainable choices. Knowledge Transfer sessions were conducted on how to prepare bio enzymes and their application.

I intended to educate people and train them to make bio enzymes. But the conversion rate was low. So, we also decided to produce bio enzyme in large quantities and market it. This required me to get a certification for the product.

Tell us about your latest venture,  the Bio enzyme Entrepreneur Academy

The Bio-Enzyme Entrepreneurs Academy provides a space for producers and researchers to promote research and promote bio enzymes and educate and train entrepreneurs who are interested in working in this area. We hope to encourage communities and civic bodies to accept and adopt practices such as  Bio-Enzymes, Bio-Compost, and Bio-Gas to enable a cleaner environment and sustainable living.  We work at the grass root level – focused on waste management, and regenerating soil and water ecosystems. At the Bio enzyme entrepreneur academy, we have researchers and scholars who engage in studying bio enzymes and their benefits.  At present, we are collaborating with researchers from Holkar College in Indore. We also have bio enzyme banks in different parts of the country to clean up lakes and rivers.  We are also conducting field trials to determine the effectiveness of the application of bio-enzymes on various crops. Data concerning the health of the soil, plant growth  & immunity are being collected and analysed.

As a part of your work, you also focus on River bank Stabilization. You have a project on the banks of the River Ganga, don’t you?

As a part of our Mission 10 Lac Project, we are now engaged in an ongoing effort to stabilize riverbanks in Munger, Bihar since Dec 2020. The objective is to limit the damages caused during floods, mainly – water contamination & soil erosion. The project is completely crowdfunded.

So far, we have planted one lakh tree saplings of native varieties along the river Ganga. In addition, five lakh Vetiver grass slips have also been planted. Vetiver grass plantation is a natural and economically viable alternative to brick-and-mortar engineering solutions for soil retention. It reduces erosion and carbon sequestration four times more than the tree. This is an immediate remedy as the top soil is not eroded. It also filters the water and takes away the heavy metals.

The project has a direct impact on the livelihood of the local communities. Our inclusive approach encourages the active participation of local communities, women, children, welfare groups & administration. We propose to do a similar project on the banks of the river Brahmaputra. We have also used Vetiver in Bangalore on seven lakes including the one in Lalbagh.

And my last question to you would be,  what would you say to a woman who wants to follow her dreams?

I would say go for it. We have one life and we should never be afraid of taking chances. I have been very lucky in that I got a lot of support from my husband and my family. My mother-in-law took care of the family and I got the opportunity to go out and do what I wanted to. The most important thing is not to wait, but to make a beginning and the rest will follow.

If you want to be a conscious earth warrior and give bio enzymes a try, check out the YouTube given below

“When you want something, and the whole universe conspires in order for you to achieve it” – A conversation with Gayatri Abraham

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It is said that life comes full circle when you stay the course. And that is what Gayatri Abraham did. She started her life and career unsure about what she wanted to do but was curious and opened herself to diverse experiences and narratives. Through this journey of exploration and learning that began with nutrition and anthropology, branched into marketing and public relations, and eventually culminated in counseling, she discovered a passion and realized a dream that would help close the circle and help and empower others in the process.

Please join me for a conversation with Gayathri that explores how life is a puzzle. When the pieces come together, they reveal a picture that can be meaningful for both us, others, and the world around us.


As a young person, you made very different academic choices from your peers.


I grew up in Mylapore in Chennai and went to Rosary Matric Convent. I had no idea what I wanted to do as a young girl. The traditional programs and courses did not appeal to me, so I moved school from Rosary, which offered conventional streams, to Adarsh Vidyalaya, which offered a course in Nutrition and Dietetics. After my graduation, the traditional opportunities in the nutrition space, which were few and far between, did not strike a chord in me.


The prospectus of the University of Madras mentioned a Master’s Course in Anthropology. At that point, it seemed like an obscure subject. Still, with some research, I realized that one could incorporate nutrition into an anthropological setting. The course opened up my mind to a world beyond Mylapore and Chennai.


For my thesis, I did research with the Betta Kurumbas. I explored their rituals, culture, livelihood options, and aspects such as kinship, relationships, lifestyle, etc. I studied their dietary habits – the food they grew and ate, nutrition (malnutrition) among women and children, etc. It was fascinating to see how nutrition connected to anthropology. Post my master’s, I worked on a project examining the reproductive health and rights of sex workers. It was a real eye-opener for me.

Post Masters, you chose to follow the conventional path as far as your career was concerned, but were there other personal choices that you made different?


After my studies, I had limited options. I chose to go into the hotel and lifestyle space sales and marketing. I did want to go abroad for further studies but did not have the funds to explore it. I got married in my late twenties, moved to Bangalore, and worked in a Public Relations firm. I found it interesting because one interacts with a diverse set of clients with a unique set of requirements. It was essential to understand specific industry sectors and then pitch different stories to the media. In March 2002, my husband and I made an informed choice to adopt our older daughter. With limited resources, my career took a backseat; it did not bother me then. I was ready to experience motherhood and be a full-time mother, which I thoroughly enjoyed. As a diversion from being a homemaker and mother, I took up a lot of small projects, organized jewelry and sari exhibitions, and even explored Tupperware and Oriflame.


A few years later, I adopted my second daughter. Though I was the primary caregiver for my children, I constantly looked for opportunities to hone my working skills. I worked with a publishing house doing sales, marketing, and press releases, in the admin department of an International University and a social enterprise. I also worked on an informal basis with child care agencies and interacted with parents interested in the adoption process. I was able to talk to them based on my experience.

We moved from Chennai to Bangalore again, and the first few years were difficult, and I had some personal issues to contend with. Moving and changing cities and schools took a toll on me.

But these difficult experiences led you to explore new avenues in life, didn’t they?

In 2015, I decided that I would do something different. I decided to start studying again. I started by doing a few courses on child and nutrition and social entrepreneurship on Coursera. It was time to consolidate and realign my work and personal goals. I wanted a sense of purpose in life that also gave me a sense of accomplishment and fulfillment.


I had several discussions with friends and mentors about what I could do. My initial plan was to run a child care home where I wanted to take in orphaned and underprivileged babies and children vulnerable to medical health conditions. One of my mentors discouraged me from starting an agency as it required a lot of effort and involved dealing with bureaucracy.


I finally decided to set up an organization focused on adoption, beginning with a website. My varied work experience through the years, and the entrepreneurship course on Coursera, helped me put together content and market it to the right audience. I had been skilling myself all these years without my knowledge.


So that was how Padme, your website on adoption, was born?


A crucial thing that happened in 2015 was that adoption went digital. Couples who were keen on adopting had to register online through the CARA (Central Adoption Resource Authority) website. While it has many pros, it took away that human and emotional connection parents previously had with the various adoption agencies and stakeholders. At that time, my idea for a website on adoption was crystallized.


Padme means Lotus. It is also synonymous with my personal experience in adoption and in my personal growth space. The root of the Lotus is in the muddy waters, but it nurtures the Lotus and provides the support it gets. Similarly, I hope Padme will provide the right environment for parents who want to adopt.


Padme is a one-stop site that provides details on the adoption process, real experiences of families who have gone through the process, and research articles on adoption. Padme also hopes to build a database of stakeholders – medical professionals (gynecologists and pediatricians), mental health experts, parents, and caregivers) and sensitize and create awareness to dispel myths and biases on adoption. Padme also enables parents to explore and adopt a new mindset to approach the adoption process and its nuances.


What is the USP of Padme? How is it different from other similar agencies in the adoption space?


I wanted to bring psychological aspects into the adoption space. We must address issues such as infertility, loss, societal compulsions for adoption, feelings of inadequacy as a parent/ mother, and reasons for adoption. It is essential to understand if adoption is a choice or a fall-back option. These need to be addressed before the parents make choices about adoption. It is also important to provide counseling for parents and empower them to look at the process of adoption from a child-centric perspective.
We counsel parents in their journey’s pre, current, and post-adoption phases. It is also necessary that parents vocalize their fears and concerns about adoption. We also partner with key stakeholders such as pediatricians, who play a vital role in adoption.
After the child comes home, the first point of contact is with the pediatrician. It is crucial that the pediatrician is nuanced, sensitized, and has a neutral, unbiased opinion about children from institutions. The professional needs to understand the developmental, nutritional, and emotional milestones of such a child and deal with parents with both sensitivity and empathy.


Your work with Padme led you into counseling, did it not?


I think being on the other side of the fence is essential. At Padme, we want to be neutral and unbiased and not judge the parent/ client who is seeking our help. I decided to train in counseling, so that my opinions were not coloured or distorted by personal experiences. I have done three courses with Parivarthan, a counseling, training, and research center in Bengaluru. Currently, I am pursuing a Masters in Family Therapy and Counselling.

Counseling has undoubtedly broadened my vision and opened my mind to issues beyond adoption. I now work partly with Parivarthan and counsel couples and individuals requiring counseling support. Due to the financial instabilities caused by the pandemic, I started working with a startup that does mental health programs with corporates. This experience made me realize the difficulties of getting back to mainstream work after a long break and at my age. I was given short shrift at work, and when things started to ease, I decided to quit and focus on Padme Foundation and my consultations with clients from Parivarthan alongside completing my course.


Tell us about your latest venture, KAGE Counseling.


I am encouraged by the success of Padme. I have decided to broaden my work to include holistic counseling and therapy. KAGE, which means shadow in Japanese, is a separate vertical broader in focus and comes under the Padme Foundation. KAGE is about recognizing, acknowledging, and working with our shadows. Besides the conventional forms of therapy and counseling, we also want to integrate alternate forms of healing. These may include somatic conditioning (this approach prioritizes the mind-body connection in treatment to help address physical and psychological symptoms), movement therapy, food therapy, yoga, mindfulness, etc., to provide a holistic approach.


In 2021, the UN mentioned mental health as an essential and pertinent aspect of health that impacts everyone. As we live in an unequal world, awareness and access to resources differ for everyone. KAGE is in its infancy, but I would like to make counseling accessible to all members of society, even those on the periphery. I would like to empower all individuals to overcome challenges and recognize and harness their immense potential. We want to be able to offer these sessions at a very minimal and affordable cost to those who do not have the financial resources to opt for support.


On a personal level, you are a practicing Buddhist. Tell us a little bit about that.

I met a lady who practiced Soka Gakkai (a Japanese Buddhist religious movement based on the teachings of the 13th-century Japanese priest Nichiren). The concept of chanting, central to Soka Gakkai practice, appealed to me. What is most interesting for me is how one can attain Buddhahood even in this lifetime. The universality of the concept resonates with what I do in my space of adoption and counseling.


If you were to look back at your life, do you feel life has come full circle?


Yes, it has (laughs…). It has been an organic growth. I have always been curious to learn and explore, not because it has a specific monetary value attached to it, but because I saw personal development in different spaces. Each piece in the puzzle has been unearthed. My focus on nutrition, anthropology, adoption, counseling, and my Buddhism practice have come together as components that fit into the whole. Each area is interconnected, and they come together seamlessly to bring me to this point in my life. When you are searching for something but are unsure about it and don’t know what it is, the Universe conspires and opens pathways for you to achieve it. One needs to recognize it and embrace it.

“

Become the best version of yourself: A conversation with Chikky Sirish

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Chikky Sirish was a dreamer and believed in a magical world, as a child. But reality soon set in and Chikky was struggling to make sense of her life and the path she was meant to take.  Plato, the Greek philosopher once said “Reality is created by the mind, we can change our reality by changing our mind.” Chikky took ownership of her reality, sought help, and never looked back. Now, in her role as an empowerment coach and alternative healer, she offers support to others who are struggling to cope and helps them gain a fresh, informed perspective on problems and achieve long-lasting change. 

I once read somewhere, that “In the best conversations, you don’t even remember what you talked about, only how it felt.” Join me as I talk to Chikky about what it takes to become the best version of yourself. 

Thank you, Chikky for agreeing to feature on my blog. I would like you to tell me a little bit about yourself as a person and what got you started on this journey of self-discovery and helping others find themselves?

 I was always a dreamer even as a child. I remember staying in this house which had a long driveway from the gate to the house. It was a long walk, at least in those days with those tiny legs. As I walked, I would feel like I was in a magical land, like Alice in Wonderland. I would stop and give my attention to everything on the path. I also used that time, very effectively to, finish off the items in my Tiffin box, and feed them to the birds and squirrels I would encounter during that walk. That walk was meaningful in more ways than one. I grew up in the company of so many loving people, both family, and extended family members. I remember the elders in the family telling the entire clan so many stories. Though I can’t remember them now, (for the longest time in my life I could), those stories carried so much meaning and memories and meant so much to me. Both nature and the culture that were such an inherent part of my childhood stayed with me, even though I was young.

 Another chapter in my life was growing up in Dubai. I was very disconnected from nature there, but even then, I remember, going out and digging in the sand with my brother, looking for secrets and magic. We found an iron rod once and I convinced him that t it was the way to another realm (laughs…). So, even as a child, I was always a dreamer and a seeker. 

 Oh, that’s such a lovely way of defining yourself. Your formative years were in Dubai and Chennai and later you moved to Kuwait. How did the shift impact you?

 My schooling was mostly in Dubai. I moved back to India when I was in high school. It was a huge readjustment because as a teenage child, you don’t want to be uprooted from your friends. But one moves, not out of choice mostly, but because of necessity. So, at every point, there is a readjustment that needs to be made. I retreated into myself, which is still my favourite thing to do. I would sit by the window and stare out of the classroom. I went to Stella Maris in Chennai for my Undergrad and and also did an MBA in marketing. That was a real, real big surprise to everybody who viewed me as being the dreamer that I am. But I guess, like everyone else, I just wanted to conform and these degrees also ensured that I got a good job. I worked in Chennai for a very short time, and then got married and moved to Kuwait. 

I continued to work in Kuwait in merchandising. Before long I had my children. It was after my second son was born that I stopped working because I wanted to spend more time with the children. My mother was a working woman and I always wished she had been at home when I came back from school. So that made me want to be there for my kids.  But very soon, doubts started to settle in. I wanted to be seen as an individual and not just as a wife and a mother. Even now, I see a lot of young mothers going through this. 

On your website, it says that you began your quest by becoming the best version of yourself. How did that process begin? 

To become the best or to rise to a particular level, you first have to fall. You have to break yourself up into a lot of pieces to build yourself up again. And that’s exactly what happened to me. For no particular or no obvious reason, I started going through this little spiral. After my first child was born, I went into postpartum depression. Especially at that time in the 90s, nobody knew the term, especially the Indian community. Why would one be depressed when they have just given birth to a child? It should be just the opposite. I was confused. I was feeling very unsure and unloved. I couldn’t figure out what a mother is supposed to feel. 

Almost 10 years later when I was about 38 years old, I started feeling this downward spiral again. I had no reason to complain, everything was going well for me and my family. But I started feeling less and less worthy After six months of fatigue and reluctance to get out of bed in the morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and asked, who is this person and what happened to you? I was like an empty shell, imploding inwards. I wanted to blame everyone else except myself. But I realized that I had to take ownership of the problem. I began to do some research on alternative healing techniques.

When you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it happen. So, around the same time, when I was looking at various options, a friend of mine in Dubai had just finished her training in empowerment coaching. She was very excited about it and messaged me saying “It’s fantastic. I think you should do it.” Initially, I was reluctant but finally decided to seek her help. She spent about four hours coaching me, but I came back home a changed person. Something had shifted in me and it was a beginning. She supported me through the whole healing and self-discovery process. For the first time, I had some clarity about who I was. There were many moments of doubt and uncertainty, but I had support and I began to feel better. I began to take on some work and started an interior design project.

But you still didn’t feel complete, did you? 

 I was a much happier person, but something didn’t feel complete. What more did I need to do, was my question to myself? And the answer came to me “Aha, I need to learn this technique and be able to offer this to others in need. Look how far I’ve come in such a short time. “ So, I went from Kuwait to Dubai and did a course on empowerment coaching and that’s where my journey began.

As women, we tend to give a lot. It is in our human nature, in our DNA to, constantly give and nurture and care for. At some point, we give so much away that there’s nothing left for ourselves. I think that we hinge a lot of our self-worth on the people around us, especially our partner. My training as a coach made me realize that nobody can make me feel good or better or feel worthy or feel loved, except myself. 

In your journey as an alternative healer, Chikky, you started with a course on empowerment coaching, but you also specialized in other forms of therapy. Tell us a little more about the various modalities you use to heal people and how do these processes help people or benefit them? 

 We all have to start somewhere and my journey started with coaching, simply because I experienced it myself. Healing is a combination of many things and so my training combined spirituality, hypnotherapy, and Neuro-Linguistic programming. (NLP is a psychological approach that involves analysing strategies used by successful individuals and applying them to reach a personal goal.). When I started coaching, I loved it, but very quickly, I was hungry for more. In 2017, I ventured into sound healing. Sound is related to energy which is all around us but unseen. As I told you earlier, even as a young child, I was intrigued by the idea of magic. I think the magic that intrigued me so much as a child translates into healing energy. The idea that someone could be healed without words was intriguing to me. Sound vibrations can do wonders for individuals who need healing. For example, it helps people with anxiety and insomnia. I went to Nepal to do a course under Master Shree, a 3rd Generation Tibetan Bowl Healer. And since I love music and dancing, it was a natural progression that I bring movement into it. Movement Flow Therapy (both on land and in water) helps release inhibitions and endorphins are released. I have also trained in art therapy which is a form of release and expression without words. 

I like to integrate all of these things or offer them in isolation depending on the needs and requirements of people and offer a unique tailor-made package for an individual when they come in. I sometimes do group sessions to create awareness about the different modalities and how they can help individuals with unique needs. It is an introduction to therapies that they’ve never tried before without having to make that big commitment to a one-on-one session. 

 There was a shift in you from being the person who was a receiver of therapy to someone who is now trained in healing and offering this service to others. Could you tell me a little bit about that process? How did you make that transformation successful? 

That’s a lovely question. I think the first thing that helped me go forward is that we are all storytellers and we learn through stories. But nowadays, we no longer are part of extended families or sit with our family members and our peers and share stories. We have become isolated as individuals. We must share our stories and experiences that are so individual and unique to us, with our children and with friends and family. We are all empowerment coaches in a way, giving them some bit of advice from our learning. 

Before my journey as a coach, there were moments of doubt and insecurity about labelling myself as a coach and healer. But then I remembered something that my teacher had said, about me being what that person needs for this moment and in their life journey. I am that little piece of the puzzle, that gives my clients the courage and the confidence to take that first step. That gives me the impetus to help others. My first client was a 17-year-old boy who had severe anxiety about taking his driver’s license test in the UK. I did a two-hour session with him. He wrote me a letter and I remember the words even now. He thanked me for helping him out and said that though he did not pass the test, he could handle the disappointment with much more confidence than before. He also mentioned how it helped him change as a person and his relationship with his family. 

 To me, that encapsulated, the difference that I could make. It was not just about helping him overcome his anxiety, but about being present and holding space for another human being. 

You talked about dancing and music and sound therapy. So, tell me a little bit about your forays into pole and ballroom dancing.

Dancing is mind over matter and getting over our inhibitions and images we have about ourselves. For the longest time, I’ve been in love with dancing and music and I even did a few ads in my youth. But I put it aside as a mother. I started with Bharatnatyam in Dubai and then I got into ballet when I was a teenager and then Jazz. But as a young wife and mother, I had to park Chikky the dancer and ignore the real me. But I started dancing, once I discovered myself, and permitted me to be who I am. The human body, even though it is flawed, is something one owns and it is fascinating what one can do with it, whether it is yoga or dance.

Pole dancing for me, was a bit rebellious, and it was breaking convention. A 48-year-old mother learning pole dancing was unconventional, but I loved doing it. Also, it was a question of mind over body and I had to prove to myself that I could do it. Also, with pole dancing, it was just me. I did not need a partner; it was that simple. It was very challenging. After my first class, I laughed and asked myself, “Are you kidding?’ But I stuck with it. I was very slow and did it at my own pace. But it gave me this learning, that life need not be a competition, and that I am learning pole for myself, not others. I got better at it and even conquered my fear of inversion on the pole. 

Ballroom dancing is a very expensive hobby. But it gives me a thrill dancing with a partner. My partner and I were on a massive stage during the competition, being judged and competing with other couples. When you get on the stage for the first time, you freeze and you forget your steps, until you regain control of your mind and breathe again. It is a beautiful experience of mind over matter. It was very motivating to dance on the floor and wear those exotic outfits and to let that side of your personality out. There is so much hard work behind it, and anger and frustration as you push yourself.

What are your plans for the future?

I haven’t given it much thought. I want to open a Centre, where people can come and spend time. Since I moved to Dubai, I have had friends and clients come and stay with me. We spent two or three days together, and it made a big difference in their healing journey. If they are going through very painful experiences, I think it is important sometimes to disconnect from everything familiar. When you go to a therapist, a counsellor, or an ayurvedic treatment, it’s very clinical. As a healer, I bring something different to the table. I would like my clients to stay in-house with me and allow me to share the energy that I bring into the process and heal during that time. That is something that I would like to do in the future.

I am very passionate about working with women, especially young mothers who feel unworthy. I want to help them make that shift and point them in the right direction. Also, every time I go to Chennai, I visit my college and have a chat with the young women there. I wish I had some of the tools that I have now, as a young girl. It could have made a lot of difference, if I knew then, what I know now. I don’t have any regrets, but if I did have the opportunities and choices before me, I may have chosen an alternative path. I love to be that conduit to talk to young people to enable them to explore and create awareness about choice and decision making.

What would be your advice to a person, floundering in the dark, not sure about their choices, and hesitant to seek help? What is the first step they need to take?

The first thing they need to understand is that everything happens for a reason. You come to a point, where you are feeling overwhelmed and unhappy, it is time to press on the brakes and ask yourself why this is happening. We upgrade our gadgets and household equipment all the time and yet we are hesitant about upgrading ourselves. What I mean by the upgrade is, asking yourself the right questions about anxiety, confusion, and conflict and getting different answers that help you move forward and get out of a rut. Asking for help is not a vulnerability, but is in fact strength. We want to be the best versions of ourselves and we should not stop ourselves from doing that. It is never too late to change for the better.

Be the Change you want to see in the world: A conversation with Judith Crosland Part II

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Part II of my blog post on Judith Crosland is about her first and subsequent travels to India, her work with non profits supporting rural women and livelihoods, the books she has written and other experiences that highlight her authenticity, empathy and the ability to motivate and inspire others. I first met her in 2009 when I started working with Jeevika Trust, a UK based intermediary. Our travels took us to remote corners of the South and East India and In the evenings, after we were done with work, we would connect over a drink together either in the comfort of our hotel room or in a nearby restaurant. We were women from two different worlds separated by age, culture and social conditioning, yet we felt a kinship and a sense of ease and comfort with each other, that allowed us to easily discuss our lives, our families and share confidences. It has been a few years since we last met in person (we keep in touch via Whatsapp calls and messages), but we still carry within  each other the deep bonds that cannot be severed by time and distance. Read on …

Tell us about your travels to India. You spent a considerable amount of time in India and you returned many times.

I had never been to India before then: all I knew was that people in villages lived a hard life there. The first time I went to India to evaluate the mint-farming project, I found India overwhelming: its beauty and poverty, its customs and its people; it was a way of life I found fascinating. Most of all, I was aghast at the poverty but this made me more determined and passionate about making a positive contribution to the lives poor rural women in particular. I was amazed at how bereft they were and how they survived the tough life they led.

I became involved with various livelihood projects: beekeeping in Uttarkhand, goat farming south of Agra, water development, crab cultivation, health and hygiene (sanitary napkins) and other projects where women could improve their quality of life for themselves and families. I visited India every year, from the early 2000s to 2018 during which India Development Group (IDG) renamed itself as Jeevika Trust. I would visit for weeks at a time to devise and design projects along with the local Indian representatives and consultants. Together we would visit the villages to assess and evaluate project implementation. I visited twice as a tourist, travelling through Kerala and then again through UP to Varanasi and Sarnath. On one occasion, my son travelled with me. He was so shocked by the extent of poverty that he couldn’t stop giving money to beggars and to others in the villages. I needed to explain to him giving money in that way simply entrenched dependency; it did not help individuals escape their poverty. If we want to help poor rural villagers, especially women, we need to ensure that we are able to involve them in projects that provide the skills and support required for them to be able to help themselves become independent.

Apart from the work I did in India, I had the opportunity of working, collaborating and developing close friendships with my Indian colleague and the people associated with the non-profits I worked with. They left a huge impression on me in terms of their compassion for the villagers they worked with and what they had achieved for them. Their sense of affection and caring and the deep bonds that I formed with them will always be with me. Even though they are at a distance, they still feel very much a part of my life.

You also started your own non-profit?

I was with IDG for three years when there were difficulties raising funds and the money was running out. I was asked to leave because they couldn’t pay me. At that stage I started a non-profit called The GEN Initiative which worked in Haryana. GEN focused on literacy, income generation for women, and support for farmers for agricultural and horticultural improvements, including upgrading their dairying practices and a wide range of rural and village development activities. I administered it for ten years and it only worked in Haryana. After ten years, I was back working in IDG, now rebranded as Jeevika Trust.

You are also a cancer survivor, but very few people know about it.

I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2010. I was living on my own and decided not to tell anyone except my closest friends and my yoga teacher. I didn’t want people sympathizing with me as if I was going to die. I just went through the treatment and recovery process in my own way. After I was done with surgery and radio therapy I went about my daily business. When I came home it didn’t stop me from doing my work. I was able to use the computer and phone as usual. I continued my yoga and meditation and kept positive through this process and I continue to use alternative and natural therapies to heal myself.

You are a prolific writer and have self-published three books. Tell us about them.

When I travelled to India, I would travel on to Australia every other year to see my son. On one of those visits, I met with a relative of mine. He and I were curious about a mutual friend who had always hinted of a mysterious past. After his death, our research uncovered the story of how he had allegedly murdered a man aboard HMAS Australia while at sea during the Pacific War in 1942. My relative suggested I should write a book about it. Back in London, I was having coffee in a cafe where pinned on the wall was notice about a writer’s workshop. That workshop, research and a Writer’s Circle – where my fellow writers helped critique my writing – gave me support over the two years of writing the book. The book was self-published in 2016 titled Murder on HMAS Australia. My second book, called Life Without You, is a memoir about the romantic relationships I had and what I learned from them. My most recent book, titled Inroads: Lessons learned in Village India, was published in 2020. Currently I am writing about my present life in France. In years past, life drawing and abstract painting kept me busy and, for a period, I found the writing and painting fed off each other. Now it is the writing alone with which I am most interested – with a computer it is possible anywhere, especially if I’m travelling.  

The pandemic has resulted in you moving to France.  How do you spend your days and keep busy?

In a strange way, I have come full circle because of the Pandemic. Earlier on in my life when I left Australia to come to France, I wanted to buy a house and live there, but didn’t get the opportunity. Twenty years later, my partner Chris and I bought a house in the South of France, as a holiday home. Since then, we have spent short periods here. In 2020, we came here to spend a couple of weeks, then found that because of Covid we could not travel. Since it was difficult to return to England, we were obliged to become French residents. This has now become our permanent home.

I resigned from Jeevika Trust in 2019. Since then, in between writing, I have taken on various small voluntary assignments. I am currently working as a volunteer advisor for the Otterman’s Institute which educates children and young adults through online AI (artificial intelligence) tutoring.  Apart from writing about my life in France, I am also care of my partner, who is not currently in good health. The development sector remains dear to my heart and there is much that can be done to contribute online. Right now, it is difficulty to think much beyond the moment: I’m learning to go with the flow.

Do read Part I of my blog post with Judith Crosland to know more about her early life, and how travel broadened her horizons and changed her perspectives on career and personal growth.

Be the Change you want to see in the World: A conversation with Judith Crosland – Part I

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My blog wouldn’t be complete, if I didn’t write about Judith Crosland – a friend, ex-colleague and mentor, who has been an inspiration and role model. For close to ten years, we travelled across Tamil Nadu and Odisha, assessing our grantees (small non-profits) and their programs. In the evenings, after we were done with work, we would connect over a drink together either in the comfort of our hotel room or in a nearby restaurant. We were women from two different worlds separated by age, culture and social conditioning, yet we felt a kinship and a sense of ease and comfort with each other, that allowed us to easily discuss our lives, our families and share confidences. It has been a few years since we last met in person (we keep in touch via WhatsApp calls and messages), but still carry within each other deep bonds that cannot be severed by time and distance. Read Part I of Judith’s conversation with me, as we talk about her early days of travel, her decision to go to University as an older student, her transition from working with the government  to working with a non -profit and how her intention to empower poor rural women took root.

Could you start by telling us a little bit about where you are from?

I was born in 1944 in Sydney but grew up in a seaside village on the west coast of Australia. My mother had a business on the waterfront and my father worked in an oil refinery.  It was a seaside village visited by tourists during the summer, mostly pastoralists who owned holiday homes there.  Following high school I went to a business school where I learned typing, shorthand and bookkeeping. I taught in that school for a little time before joining the Commonwealth Public Service in Canberra as a government employee where I worked for a couple of years. Like Delhi, Canberra is the country’s Capital centre for  embassies and government departments.

But you were bitten by the travel bug…

I was young and decided I wanted to see the world. I went by ship to Canada. My original plan was to travel via Europe to a Kibbutz. (A kibbutz is a community settlement in Israel). But I never got there. (Laughs…)  I got a few odd secretarial jobs in Canada and then soon moved to Washington DC where I worked in the Australian Embassy. I was young, in my early twenties and seeking adventure so wasn’t too worried about where I might work: I had some money saved and I was prepared to take a risk.

Your experience in Washington DC impacted you, didn’t it?

Yes, while I was in Washington DC, two major things happened. JFK had been assassinated a few years before. During my time in DC, Bobby Kennedy and Martin Luther King were assassinated: it was a tumultuous time with curfews and military police and riots and looting. These events left a deep impression on me about world affairs. I spent two years there. I decided to return to Australia where I met my future husband. I continued to work and then had my son.  A couple of years into my marriage, I decide that in order to achieve a more fulfilling work life, I needed to go to a university.

I was in my thirties when I attend the University of New South Wales in Sydney.  I went with the intention of studying psychology, but the timings did not suit me as I had two step-daughters (from my husband’s previous marriage) and a son to look after. Instead, I took up sociology, as the timings fitted with school hours. Sociology confirmed my understanding of inequalities and the role of women: as a housewife and mother, I felt certain inequalities in my domestic life. It was also true that gender roles in the workplace were not equitable and were defined very differently in society. What worked for men, didn’t work for women and the issue of gender became personal and a passion.

It took me four years to finish my undergraduate degree, because of my commitments and responsibilities and then another two years for an MA in Gender Studies.

Did your degree in Gender Studies open up interesting avenues for you?

I was again working with the Commonwealth Government and at the time that legislation had just been passed whereby all Govt departments were required to have equal representation of women, men, indigenous communities and non-English speaking employees within their workplaces. I was in the right place at the right time, working in the area of human resources: I applied for the newly created position of Equal Employment Coordinator within each Department. In that position, I had the responsibility for bringing equality into the workplace of some thousands of employees.

And then the travel bug bit you again…

I worked with the Commonwealth in this position for ten years which was challenging and difficult work. Entitled to take six months of leave with full pay at this time, I went to Perugia in Italy to a language school, for three months then travelled through Europe. When I returned to my work, I felt it was time for someone else to take over.

My life had gone through many changes; I divorced mid-way through my Masters. I experienced other relationships; my son went to university and I no longer had the same level of responsibility. I decided I would do something different and planned to find a retreat in France where I might run a workshop on creative arts – writing, photography, painting and spirituality in France.

At the language school in Toulouse I met a friend with similar ideas and we found ourselves a farmhouse deep in the French countryside which provided gites (tiny dwellings that people rent for holidays). It was perfect accommodation for the workshop. I coordinated the six workshops and employed others to facilitate their content.

At the end of the workshops, a friend of mine asked if I would be interested in a position at the Commonwealth Secretariat based in London. To my surprise, I was selected and, in 1995, I began to work with the Director for Gender and Youth Affairs. I was employed to do two things: to turn around inequalities in the Secretariat itself; and to develop a Strategic Plan to ensure that the programs developed by developing countries brought about equality and equitability. It was this plan that the Secretariat took to the UN Conference on Women held in China. By this time, I was in my fifties.

 And then there were a few events that changed your perspective and direction of your career?

Yes, when I was with the Commonwealth Secretariat I attended a Microcredit Conference in Washington, DC. At the conference, I got into the elevator and found myself alone with Dr Muhammed Yunus who set up the Grameen Bank in Bangladesh. We had a very brief exchange: I told him how much I admired him for what he had achieved and that I wanted to do something to help women. He said, “If I can do it, so can you.” That had a real impact on me, as did the conference. I thought microcredit was a brilliant idea: it gave the most impoverished women the opportunity to work for themselves.

Around the same time, I got involved with the Gandhi Foundation in London. I met the Secretary General of the Gandhi Foundation, Mr. Surur Hoda and discussed the concept of microcredit at Foundation meeting. He was impressed with my passion and asked if I would help run his charity, the India Development Group (precursor to Jeevika Trust). I told him I had never worked for a charity and wasn’t sure I could help. He asked me to take his card anyway.

Eventually, my consultancy work dried up and I went to work for Surur Hoda and his charity. The very first funding application I wrote brought in a lot of money – around £240,000 for a microcredit mint-farming project for women near Lucknow in UP. My dreams were on their way!

The True Path of Giving: A Conversation with Sivakamavalli

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When I asked Sivakamavalli as to how I should address her for this interview, she chose to use her just first name with no initial or surname.  A simple, unassuming woman, who exudes strength, purpose and integrity, she has worked tirelessly for over thirty years to empower and bring about real change in the lives of women and children from underprivileged communities. It is a delight to listen to her address an eager group of poor rural woman and educate them about self-reliance and economic independence.  I am as much awestruck as them, as she in Tamil outlines the various opportunities and schemes that they can avail off to better their lives and that of their families.  Siva believes that in the service of others, we discover our own lives and happiness. Read my interview with her to find out what makes Siva special and a woman who would forge her own path with a little bit of help from her father.

You had a very different childhood compared to other girls, Siva. How was your family different?

I was born in 1968 in a small village in Coimbatore District. I have six siblings, all brothers. My father worked with the Khadi and Village Industries Commission as a Manager and my mother was an elementary school teacher.

I had a very happy childhood. I was the youngest child and the only daughter and was spoilt by my family as a young child. I was never treated differently from my brothers and was treated as an equal. My father believed in giving me the same opportunities as my brothers. I was never asked to do any chores around the house just because I was a girl. I was never made to feel lesser than my brothers.

Your father was a very special man and influenced the path you chose in life. How did he influence you?

My father was no ordinary man, he was a Gandhian and a freedom fighter. As a young man, he moved away from his affluent family, as he got involved with the Freedom Movement. He spent a few years in Vellore jail. He even stayed with Gandhi in Wardha. He even tore up the card which designated him as a freedom fighter as he had no interest in getting a pension.  But I didn’t know much about his involvement in the freedom struggle. I only found out about his contributions after he passed away, from his friends and colleagues.

I finished my Bachelors in Zoology and was keen on becoming a teacher like my mother. But my father had other plans for me. He convinced me to enroll in a masters in Social Work. I had no idea what the course entailed and decided that I would grit my teeth and finish it somehow. After I finished my Masters, I took up a job as a counsellor at a private counselling center in Coimbatore My job was to resolve family disputes, help with career guidance etc.  It was then that I realized that I had lived my life in a bubble shielded from issues and problems that people face. It was the first time I encountered the problem of dowry and its impact on families. I encountered families who thought it was a sin to give birth to a girl child and wouldn’t hesitate to abandon or maybe even kill her. These issues impacted me strongly and I began to realize that this was a journey that I was meant to take. My father had made the right decision for me.

A very special man came into your life when you started your journey in the social sector, didn’t he?

I worked at the counselling center for several months and then got a job with a non-profit in Dharmapuri My job was to identify new born with low birth weight and ensure that their nutritional needs were met. We use to make health mixes with supplements for expectant   mothers and ensure that Antenatal care (ANC) was provided by skilled professionals throughout their pregnancy. (Antenatal care includes risk identification and screening, prevention and management of pregnancy-related or concurrent diseases, and health education and promotion) I used to stay in the office itself and used to go to my relatives houses during the weekend.

I was 22 years old. It was here that I met my future husband, Muniyandi. He was in charge of the women’s health project where I worked as a coordinator. He was from a different community, but in mind there was absolutely no doubt about him. I fell in love with him because he was a simple person who was very committed to social change and wanted to empower disadvantaged communities. He was keen on working with the downtrodden and he became a role model to me like my father.

Though I was young, I was very sure of myself and my feelings. I was very particular that I would not marry anyone else if my family members opposed my marriage. My brothers were not very keen but agreed to the marriage after my father gave us permission to get married. We had a very simple marriage and moved to Pandamangalam in Namakkal District. My husband had registered a non -profit in that area as a friend had told him that that the surrounding area had a high incidence of female infanticide. We started working in the local villages and began doing street plays on female infanticide amongst the general populace. We also began to focus on other issues, such as the plight of women and children from marginalised communities such as Dalits. In 1996, I got a grant from State Social Welfare Board to run creches for working mothers who could leave their children in a safe and secure space when they were engaged in farming or other forms of physical labour. We had no staff, only volunteers and worked from home as we could not afford a separate office space.

Then in 1998, after we applied for and got FCRA (Foreign Contribution Regulation Act) which enabled us to get funds from abroad, we were able to get a grant from Development Promotion Group for women Empowerment. We were able to form self-help groups with poor rural women, get them to put aside small amounts of money as savings, and give them micro loans to initiate small businesses. We were able to help many women to engage in supplementary livelihoods and earn extra income that helped with their children’s education or address health needs. This project gave me a lot of satisfaction.

On the personal front, my older son was born in 1994 and my twin sons in 2001. We slowly began to get more support for our work in Namakkal District.

Please tell me about the non profit that you run and the work you do?

We started Women Organisation for Rural Development (WORD) in 1991. Its initial focus was to challenge the oppressive and discriminatory practices (such as female infanticide, dowry, sexual abuse, etc.) against women in Namakkal District. But subsequently, we began to focus on marginalized communities such as Dalits and tribals and looked at issues that impacted them such as lack of remunerative livelihoods, the degradation and depletion of the natural livelihood resources like soil and water and its impact on farming. We also focused on enhancing community health, especially the prevention and transmission of HIV/AIDS in surrounding areas. In recent years, programs have focused on the empowerment of women and adolescent girls through skill training, employment generation and addressing rights-based issues such as child labour and child marriage.

With support from FCRA funds, we have worked on various types of interesting projects. We got funding from HEKS, a Swiss Foundation and Jeevika Trust, a UK based group, to support famers adopt traditional farming practices and engage in organic farming. We also ensured that the farmers were able to sell their produce at fair prices. With support from Tamil Nadu AIDS Initiative, we were able to conduct a HIV/ AIDS awareness and prevention program for transgenders and sex workers. We also started a senior citizen home in 2002. We found a lot of abandoned senior citizens at bus stops and at the railway station. We initially started a Day care centre where families could drop off seniors for activities and mid-day meals but then were able to purchase some land and construct an old age home with private donations in cash and kind. We now have about thirty senior citizens staying at our premises and we are very lucky that we have benefactors who provide support for their daily meals and other basic requirements. We are also able to provide free health care through the Primary Health Care centre and the nearby Government Hospital.

We also ran an adoption centre earlier as many children were being abandoned. The Tamil Nadu Government had a Thotil Thittam (cradle scheme) were women and families who wished to give up their babies for adoption, could do so anonymously and without any stigma. But we eventually had to shut down the centre as there was very little awareness amongst rural communities regarding adoption. The adoption procedures also require a lot of paperwork and regular court appearances and this was taking us away from our other program activities.

Another very interesting and challenging program which was supported by Freedom Foundation, was focusing on child labour in textile mills in Namakkal District. We organised programs in villages that created awareness on the evils of child labour and how it impacted the rights of children to education, health and protection from abuse and exploitation.

You have also received several awards for your contributions in the field of social work

I got an award in 2015 from the then Chief Minister of Tamil Nadu Dr. J Jayalalitha. It was for the Best Social Worker from the State and was awarded to me as an individual. I honestly never expected the Award and it was an incredible honour to receive it. In 2004, WORD received an Appreciation Award for constructing 1000 toilets in the Kabilarmalai Block of Namakkal District as part of the Total Sanitation project. In 2006 we got an award for starting consumer clubs in schools, and educating children about the Consumer Act and its implications. I was also recognised as a Woman Leader by Cognizant Foundation on the occasion of International Woman’s Day 2022.

What kind of work gives you the most satisfaction?

I have always loved to work on women’s empowerment. Women and girls from adolescent communities have never been given the space or freedom to make decisions for themselves. Women play various roles as mothers, wives, daughters and care takers and also contribute to the family income, yet receive very little in return. In addition, they encounter several challenges such as dowry, female foeticide, marital violence, denial of inheritance etc. We have now been working for about thirty years in the field, and have been able to bring about a socio-economic change in the villages we work in. We have been able to make women more self-reliant, and economically independent by providing them loans for their financial needs or to finance their micro businesses. Women are able to contribute to the family income and have a say in decision making.

What work has been most challenging for you?

Working on child rights, especially in the sphere of child sexual abuse has been very difficult for me. There is no security for the girl child in this country. Sometimes they are abused by the very people who are supposed to protect them. It is unfair and horrifying that their basic rights to protection, love, respect and dignity is being violated. As a Child Welfare Committee member for Namakkal District, I found it extremely difficult to deal with the issue. There are so many laws to protect the child, but there is very little awareness among parents and community members regarding this problem.

Do you have expectations from your children like your father from you?

I have no expectations from my children and don’t expect them to take over after me. I will never force them to work in a non-profit or in any other field. I have always allowed them to lead their life the way they want. They are adults now and know what’s best for them. Personally, my work has kept me so busy and there have been many days when I couldn’t spend enough time with them. They all now are busy with college and work and live away from me. I just want them to be happy and content doing what they want to do.

From Diffidence to Confidence: A Conversation with Chandralekha Mahalingam

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Chandralekha Mahalingam’s ring tone plays the song “Chinna Chinna Aasai, Siragadikum Aasai, Muthu Muthu Aasai, Mudinthuvaitha Aasai (small desires, desires with wings, pearl like desires, desires that have been carefully stored away)” which reflects what she most wants out of life. I remember reading a quote that said ‘Desires must be simple and definite. They defeat their own purpose should they be too many, too confusing, or beyond a man’s training to accomplish”. Chandralekha has understood this very early in her life and is seeking her goals, one small desire at a time. These are simple small desires of being surrounded by family, seeing her children do well, and having a good life with her husband.

 There is a quiet determination to her that has seen her through many challenges in life. Her family, both immediate and extended, is her strength, and they have enabled her to make empowered decisions for herself and her children. When mothers believe in their children, it is a powerful thing. It is especially touching and inspiring to witness Chandralekha’s belief in her children and their ability to empower themselves through education. Her vision for her children has also transformed her from a timid and under confident woman to a bold woman with conviction and sense of self-worth.

Chandralekha, your childhood to a large extent, shaped your thinking and way of life.  As a child, you had to shoulder several responsibilities. Tell us about them.

I was born in 1980 in a village in Vizhupuram District in Tamil Nadu, but later moved to Vizhuparam town, where my father built a home.  My father worked with the Electricity Board, where he started as a helper and retired as a foreman. As a young child of ten, I saw my mother mostly sick due to a tumour in her uterus. I had to, even at the age of ten, take responsibility for the cooking, pack lunch for my siblings and wash clothes. My mother passed away when I turned fifteen.  I had just written my Class X Board exams. I had to stop my studies then, as I was forced to take on the responsibility of looking after my home and be there for my younger sister who fell very sick after my mother died. I would have loved to continue my studies. Many of my classmates from school are degree holders. I still feel terrible about not being able to go to college.

You mentioned that were able to do many things because of your husband whom you describe as wonderful and supportive.

Ours was an arranged marriage. My husband, Mahalingam is distantly related to me. He came over to our home to invite us for his brother’s wedding. It was love at first sight for him and he wanted to marry me. He was 24 years old and I was seventeen. He was working as a truck driver. Both our families were comfortable with the match, as they knew each other well. More importantly, the horoscopes matched. We got married in July 98. But I spent the better part of the first year with my family as my siblings, especially my sisters needed me. It was my husband who encouraged me to do this.   He did not want to uproot me and take me away from a comfortable life in Vizhupuram. After a year or so, I moved to his family home near Tiruvannamalai.

 It was difficult for me initially as I had to move from a town to a village. The house I was living in had no electricity. I was used to cooking with gas, but now I had to cook meals for a large extended family on a wood stove with firewood for fuel. The food I prepared was also different and we would often have rice gruel and porridge, which I had never eaten in Vizhupuram. We were surrounded by fields and snakes; scorpions and centipedes were aplenty. At night I would light lamps around our bed, before I went to sleep. But the love I received from my husband’s family made it easy for me to adjust. My mother-in-law is a very supportive and wonderful person. My son was born in 2000 and my daughter in 2003. My husband wanted our children to be educated in a city and we moved to Bangalore, as he found employment there.

Bangalore must have been a big change for you. What were your initial experiences like?

It was a change for me as we were moving away from our joint family and the village, we were living in. From a fairly large village home surrounded by fields, we moved into a cramped one room home in Jay Bharat Nagar in Bangalore. I wasn’t awe struck by Bangalore, I had lived in Vizhupuram, which was a fairly modern town. Only Brigade Road and MG Road impressed me. Not knowing Kannada was a but difficult, but there were many people who spoke Tamil.

My husband started working in a grocery store. He had quit truck driving as it was a physically laborious and stressful occupation which required him to put in long hours of work. Besides it kept him away from us, as he was on the road most of the time. But his salary at the grocery store was very low. We were in a quandary as to how we would manage on such a low salary. We had put our son in a private English medium school and had to pay a fair amount of fees. Our rent was also fairly high. It was at that point that I decided that I would start working.

Your decision to work changed you as a person, didn’t it?

I was a shy and insecure person. My exposure to the world was very limited. I would cry at the drop of a hat and would get embarrassed easily. I was too afraid to voice my opinion on anything. But circumstances forced me to take up a job. We had moved to Bangalore against my father’s wishes and I was hesitant to ask him for a loan. I didn’t want him to criticize my husband or me. My husband’s aunt was a housekeeper in an apartment. I asked her to help me find a job. She found me a job with a lady from Kerala. My job was to help her in the kitchen and carry out a few other chores. My first salary was Rs 500 per month.

I initially did not let my husband know that I was looking for a job. When I finally mentioned it to him, he was hesitant at first and not too happy about my decision. He felt that as the man of the house, it was his responsibility to take care of me and the children. He was also concerned that I wouldn’t be able to handle a job in a city. But he understood my need to contribute to the family income and was supportive of my efforts.

The Chechi (elder sister) who hired me was a wonderful woman. When I first met her, she sensed my nervousness and lack of experience and gave me a big hug and reassured me. I can’t tell you, how much that hug meant to me. It gave me a shot of confidence and self-worth.  I was so scared to venture out to the shops to buy items. I was afraid that I would get lost. She would stand by the window, and would call out reassuringly to me and would wait there till I got back. Her affection and support gave me so much of confidence and courage. She taught me to cook dishes that were very different from the home cooking that I knew. I learned to cook Kerala cuisine and learned dishes such as fish curry, cutlet, Biryani, Avial etc. She even taught me how to cut vegetables and grind various types of masalas. After about a year they moved abroad and I started working in other homes as a cook. My husband got a better paying job as a car driver. Our fortunes improved and we were able to move to a slightly larger home.

Besides working as a cook, Chandralekha, you also became an entrepreneur?

I started working in several homes as a cook. Each family taught me something new. I have a very good memory, once I’m told a recipe, I retain it in my mind. I learned a lot of new dishes from various cuisines.  I was taught about using the right measure of ingredients for a dish. I learned several western dishes including bakes and French toast. I learned how to operate equipment such as ovens, microwaves and dishwashers. One of my employers also gave me tips on financial literacy and saving. I began to be more careful with my money and put aside money for education for my children. I learned North Indian dishes Aloo and Methi paratha, Kadhi and various types of Dals from a Punjabi family. To date many of my clients who used to buy food from me love my roti, dal and subzi. I also learned to cook several meat dishes. By then, I had picked up a smattering of English and was able to find a job with an Australian family. Thy were wonderfully patient with me and taught me so much. They taught me how to make salads, bakes, meat dishes in the western style, pasta, spaghetti, white and red sauce, various types soups, salads and dressing. They also taught me various techniques like smoking, steaming, baking, basting, marinating etc.

Some of my employers encouraged me to start catering. One of them helped me advertise my services on Facebook and I got a lot of orders. Several people started ordering lunch and dinner from me on a regular basis. I had at least ten customers who were ordering on a regular basis. Some of my customers asked me if I would take party orders. We started small, but then I partnered with my sister and began to cater for large parties. I was able to cater for up to 40 to 50 guests.  We were able to prepare Chinese, Italian, North and South Indian dishes. I would surf the net with my children’s help to find various new recipes. We also participated in exhibitions and melas and served snacks such a Pav Bhaji, Vadapav, Bhajji, Kuzhipanniyaram, chaat, sandwich, samosa etc. We did very well and one of our clients introduced us.  My sister and her husband worked with me. I would get around 500 Rs per day and would make an additional Rs 10,000 from parties only. At one point I was able to earn Rs 40 to 50,000 as both a cook and an entrepreneur.

That’s amazing. Did this successful run continue?

I had an accident in 2017. I slipped and fell into a drain and hurt my knee very badly. I had to go through surgery and physiotherapy and for eight months I couldn’t walk. It took me almost a year to get back to work. But most of employers waited for me and some of them continued to pay me a salary. A few months later my husband fell ill. He had HIN1, and was suffering from chronic pain in his joints. He was diagnosed with appendicitis, operated upon and during this period was also diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis.  We were very upset. These were new words for us. But my family and our employers were very supportive during this trying period. He is doing much better now and is back at his job. I was diagnosed as COVID positive last year and that also made it very difficult for both of us to be as active as we were before. I am continuing to work as a cook in a few homes but have not resumed catering. It is a very physically demanding and stressful job and neither my husband nor I have the energy to venture into this for now.

You have always been a positive person and attribute your success and efforts to the support you have received from others. Why do you say that?

I absolutely owe both my attitude and success in my efforts to others. Even as a child, I was fortunate that so many people came forward to help us when my mother was ill and then passed away. My aunt (father’s sister) practically moved into our house and was a caregiver for my mother and a friend of my father was very fond of me and would walk me to school every single day. Our families have provided immense support to both of us. They may not have lent us money but they have always been there when we needed them. Our home in Bangalore, has been an open home, our siblings and extended family have stayed with us while they looked for a job. We always welcomed them into our fold and shared with them what we had. They have reciprocated by showering us with love and affection and always being there for us. If I was busy and my children needed to be picked up from school, one of my brothers in law would be there to offer their services. Similarly, my sister and I ran a business together. The delivery of food items was taken care of by my husband or brother-in-law. They would do this additional work after they came home from their regular jobs. My neighbours have been wonderful and offered immense support especially, when we first moved into Bangalore. A neighbour of mine would accompany me to school and serve as an intermediary between me and the teacher since I spoke neither English nor Kannada in the early days.

My employers went out of the way to accommodate me and my needs. They provided tuition and academic support to my children and last year one of them paid the fees for my son, because we were in a difficult financial situation. More importantly there were always there to provide emotional support and guidance when we needed it.  I can never forget any of them and value their help immensely. I believe that if we see goodness in people, then they see the same and reciprocate with love and affection.

Your desires are simple and sweet. What is it that you now most desire from life?

We are working hard even now for the sake of our children. We want them to have a much better life than we have and not work physically hard like my husband and me. We moved to a city only for the sake of our children. My husband and I did not want the children to struggle like we did. They must be able to stand on their own legs and have a happy successful life with no financial worries or burdens. My son is 22 and has now finished his degree in Business Administration. My daughter has started her degree program in Commerce. We have struggled a lot to give them a good education. We have put them in good colleges and somehow have mustered up the funds to pay for their fees. My son wants to do his MBA, but we have asked him to take up a job for now and try and do his MBA in parallel, as we are in a financially difficult situation. Last year I was forced to ask a few of my employers for money and they very generously offered to support my children’s education. I didn’t want to but had no choice. It means a lot to us that my son is a graduate and my daughter is in college. We have no expectations from our children. We want them to be happy and financially comfortable and stand on their own feet.