Category fitness

If Life gives you lemons, make lemonade –  Conversation with Tapasya Kaul Rajaram

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Tapasya Kaul Rajaram surprises you with her candour and honesty. Her life has not been easy. The journey was often overwhelming for Tapasya, but she met every adversity with resilience and courage and embraced every setback as a stepping stone to success. Read about her journey and her unique ability to acknowledge and appreciate herself and the universe despite all that life has thrown at her.

Tapasya, I would like to ask you about your childhood experiences and the impact it had on your life .

I am from a Kashmiri Pandit family. I was born in Kanpur my father was with the army and then with the Central Industrial Security  Force (CISF) and my mother was a teacher.  This meant it was a transferable job and we had to move around a lot.  I am the elder child and then there is my younger sister, who is five years younger than me. My schooling was at Kendriya Vidyalaya (KV) schools all over India – Chennai, and Mumbai, but the years I remember the most are the ones I spent in Begusarai in Bihar where I did my high school. Adolescence was difficult for me.  

There was this one incident during this time that impacted me. One of the jawans who reported to my father, was upset because his leave had not been sanctioned. I guess he knew that I was the daughter of the family.  It was Holi and I was walking on the road near my home. He grabbed me from behind and started misbehaving with me. He made me very uncomfortable. I was fourteen and it was very traumatic for me. After that, I never played Holi. I don’t have good memories of the festival and that memory remains with me even today.

But there are good memories too. With the CISF,  one always felt a sense of community and people were always there for a fellow officer and their families. Every time we shifted; people would invite us to their house. We were exposed to so many different cultures, cuisines, and perspectives.

I did my English Hons at  Delhi University. I wanted to be a doctor, but my mother felt my grades were insufficient.  After graduation, I changed my line completely. I decided to get into something technical, as I was not interested in doing my Masters in English.  I did a two-year course in software engineering from NIIT. I then worked with the technical help desk of a software company.

Your first marriage changed your life in more ways than one. Are you ok with sharing your experience?

I got married in 2007 when I was 33. I met a man recommended by my father and the marriage took place. I felt grateful that he had accepted me, as I had already been rejected by so many potential suitors. I was so excited that someone was interested in me. He had a good job and most importantly he was based in Delhi. But it was a short-lived marriage, it only lasted for about 100 days.  

We went to Malaysia, on a honeymoon, but my husband was constantly sick with nausea and fever. From the very beginning, he was critical of my weight, always mocking and belittling me. After we came back, we never had a normal relationship. There was no real communication between us. The relationship was not great from the very beginning and I felt a sense of foreboding.  The future seemed dark, there was no sense of happiness.

One month after I came back from Malaysia, I missed my period. The  doctor confirmed that  I was pregnant. Like every other pregnant woman, I was asked to do an HIV test. But I knew something was wrong when the hospital delayed getting back to me with the results. They told me that they had lost my sample and that I had to do it again.  When the doctor called me and asked me questions about my marriage and my partner, I was bewildered. When she asked my husband to get tested, he initially refused. Both of us were found to be HIV positive. In those days awareness about AIDS and HIV was low. In addition to HIV, he also had other venereal diseases.

My husband was evasive and refused to take any responsibility. I was also reluctant to tell my parents about what happened. My father had a heart issue and I didn’t want to upset him. It was very stressful for me; I was devastated. The shock made me lose my baby. Despite this, I tried my best to stay in the marriage. But my husband started drinking and became abusive and in denial of his condition. His parents blamed me and told their extended family that I had passed on the disease to him.  I was depressed and couldn’t take it anymore.  I eventually told my parents the truth and they supported me through the process of getting a divorce. My husband made life very difficult for me and was not willing to give back the things my parents had gifted me during the wedding. Fortunately, the judge was sympathetic and the divorce by mutual consent was granted quickly.

Post-divorce, it must have been a traumatic time for you.

I became paranoid after that. I was so worried that I had some venereal disease in addition to HIV and I would get myself checked regularly. I was paranoid about my health. I was depressed and miserable. I was over 110 kgs in weight, fighting diabetes and obesity, and very depressed. I suffered from heavy bleeding during menstruation and felt very weak.  When my CD4 count became very low, I had to start my ART ( anti-retroviral therapy) treatment to avoid  getting opportunistic infections

I quit my software job because all the senior employees knew what had happened and also knew my husband. I felt so humiliated. I did not want to meet anyone. I did not want to meet family or friends. My friends were encouraging me to work and go out, but I was not able to make any decisions. I was incessantly crying and depressed. Mental health was swept under the carpet then, it wasn’t discussed openly. Eventually, with time I was able to go out and get a job. I joined Bachpan Bachao Andolan, a non-profit that focuses on child rights.  Focusing on development issues allowed me to look at my problems through a different lens. I was slowly able to emerge from my shell. But I was lonely and yearned to find a partner who could love me for the person I was.

But when things fall apart, it can be a sign they may be falling into place, isn’t it?

It was around that point in time, that a friend of mine, introduced me to Dr Suniti. (Suniti Solomon was a physician and microbiologist who pioneered AIDS research and prevention in India after having diagnosed the first Indian AIDS case in 1986).  She came to Delhi to meet me, a lady of that stature, for a special reason. I had expressed my intention to find a partner who was also HIV-positive like me.  She had found someone who was a potential candidate and came all the way to meet me to see if there was a potential match. A documentary was being made by the famous filmmaker duo, Ann S  Kim and Priya Giri Desai on single people with HIV who were interested in finding a partner.   I was open to the idea of getting married again, but I was determined that this time around I would find the right person. I have been living with HIV since 2007. I was ready to move on and find happiness and stability in my life.

Suniti also gave me much-needed medical support and helped me treat my condition. It was Suniti who first introduced my future husband Kartik (name changed) to me. The documentary makers were already following Kartik for three to four years when they met me. Kartik and I got introduced to each other and there was an instant connection. First, we talked on the phone, and over time met each other a few times. Both of us were open to the idea of finding a partner, but we had to contend with being in a long-distance relationship.  I was in Delhi and he was in another city. He used to write me long emails that talked about his perspectives and his values, which were very compatible with mine.

We met each other’s families after communicating via email and phone for over four months. When Kartik finally proposed to me, I decided I would marry him and move to city that he lived in. It wasn’t easy moving to an alien city and live with a family who were very different from me. It took me a long time to adjust to the city and his family, but Kartik was kind and supportive.  

After you got married, you decided that you would take charge of your destiny and live life on your terms.

In 2013, I decided that I would do a Master’s in Education and managed to get into Azim Premji University. I moved into the hostel. The course was academically rigorous and allowed me to look at education with a fresh eye, and learn new techniques and perspectives in research and paper writing. My husband meanwhile took up a job in Africa. We were apart for two years. After I finished my course, I moved to Africa and worked in a school as an Assistant Principal. In 2015, we moved back to India and started working in the non-profit sector in various capacities.

For much of your life, you have been plagued by weight issues. How has that impacted your life?

I was always fat. I was body shamed and ridiculed as a child by family and friends. My sister was thin and I was always very fat. I couldn’t fit into any ready-made clothes and my mother had to get my clothes stitched. My size was not available. My relatives always commented on my weight and compared me to my sister; my pet name was Moti.  Whenever I got stressed, I would end up eating fried and fatty foods. When my parents started looking for a groom for me,  I was rejected for my weight. I got rejected so many times, that I was so stressed and depressed.

In retrospect, if I think about all the guys who came and saw me and rejected me, it’s hilarious but at that point of time, it really hurt and upset me terribly. I remember an incident clearly.  I was working in Infosys and my father arranged for a guy to meet me in 2005. We met at a KFC outlet. I remember that he never bothered to even enquire if I ate meat. I was and am still a vegetarian. He just went ahead and ordered chicken without asking me what I wanted. He met some of his colleagues and didn’t even bother to introduce me to them. I was so upset and humiliated, that I just wanted to leave.  I was so tired of this—my early 30s. I was also being blamed because my sister couldn’t get married till I did.

Weight has always impacted me all my life, I go through this vicious cycle, where I gain weight easily. I can’t afford to be even slightly careless about my diet and any emotional or mental issue that I face translates into weight gain. After I got married for the second time, my husband gave me the confidence to be comfortable with the person I was. He accepted me as I am and loved me for what I was and am. I began to focus a lot more on my health and well-being. Initially, it was all about losing weight and looking slim, I was also diagnosed with cervical spondylitis and the doctor wanted me to go in for surgery. I was not keen on that and the only way to deal with this issue was to lose weight. I began to look at this challenge holistically. My relationship with food began to change. I was mindful of what I ate but I also began to examine the process of eating and the type of food I consumed. I began to take my time when I consumed a meal and ate with intent and focus. I also supplemented this with exercise and meditation and it made a huge change in my life.

Tell us about the documentary on Kartik and you. There was also a book released on your journey together, isn’t it?

The documentary called Lovesick was eight years in the making. It started in 2008 and was eight years in the making. It interweaves our story ( Kartik’s and mine) with Dr. Solomon’s personal and professional journey. Our lives, views, and perspectives were depicted with a lot of empathy, compassion, and humour.

It premiered on 15th November 2017 in New York City at the DOC NYC Film Festival After that it was featured and won several awards in various festivals both in India and abroad. We travelled to a few of the festivals where the documentary was featured. A book by the same name was released in 2019. I co-authored it with a friend and it is available on Amazon.

Tell us about your experience with Nichiren Buddism and how it has helped you.

I got into Buddhism and chanting in 2003. I was a very angry person, very upset about all that I had to go through in my life, and the stress and stigma that I felt after becoming HIV positive was very difficult to deal with. My anger and frustration spilled over and began to affect my relationships with my friends and colleagues. I would feel very bitter and negative about my coworkers and it impacted my relationships with them. One of my co-workers who understood that my feelings of hostility stemmed from a lack of self-worth and deep-rooted resentment introduced me to the practice.

I found the chanting very soothing and it brought me great peace. I started practicing it regularly and it became an essential part of my life. The changes in me were enormous. I became calmer, more focused, and have healthy relationships with people. I could put aside my resentment and hurt and look at people through the lens of empathy and understanding.  The change was gradual and even now I am constantly experiencing the transition that is helping me become a better person.

It is very inspiring to hear your story. My final question is what would be your advice to young women who are facing various challenges in their life – weight issues, being HIV positive, having low confidence, or a poor sense of self-worth

 I am often called by various organizations that work on HIV/ AIDS issues to create awareness or act as a motivator and role model for others with HIV. It took me a very long time to find myself and be the best I can be. So, this is the message I give to those who are struggling to cope with life and all that it throws on you. Start at the bottom, but remember to constantly walk forward, even if it’s one step at a time. Sometimes life is full of lows, but if we are patient and positive, the highs will come. Stay away from negativity and people who pull you down. Most importantly, put yourself first.

“You get in life what you have the courage to ask for.”

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Reeta Sabhani is an extraordinary woman who made bold and unique choices and created her businesses from scratch, despite all odds, by sheer determination and an untiring work ethic. In the late 90s, she came up with the idea to start a gym. The odds were not in her favour as she’d never worked in the sector, had not taken a business course, and was a homemaker and a parent to young children who had just begun school. Despite a not-so-enabling environment at home and substantial challenges in establishing a work-life balance, she worked hard to become a successful entrepreneur. Today she not only runs a thriving fitness business but also empowers other women and men to transform themselves both physically and emotionally, regain their sense of self-worth to build confidence and resilience, and overcome the harmful mental models and social norms that hold them back. Do join me, as I talk to Reeta about her entrepreneurial journey and her resolve and determination to take the path less trodden.

Reeta, thank you for talking to me. Please tell me a little bit about your childhood and early years in Gujarat.

I belong to a place called Adipur Kutch in Gujarat. Adipur is a town in Gandhidham Municipal Corporation of Kutch District in the state of Gujarat. Adipur was initially founded as a refugee camp after the partition of India, in 1947, by the Government for the resettlement of Sindhi immigrants from Sindh, now in West Pakistan. It is close to Kandla port and between Kandla and Bhuj. It’s a small town, but had a cosmopolitan culture, with people who took up various trades and jobs. all service class people. My father was a customs officer working in Kandla Port and my mother was a housewife.

I was born there and lived in Adipur till I finished my graduation. I was the second of four children, all girls. My parents were hoping desperately for a boy and therefore did not give me much attention. I was submissive and always suppressed my emotions. I was always the one to mediate between my sisters even as a young girl. The atmosphere at home was traditional and we were never given enough attention.  My father felt lost in a family of only women. But if there was one thing I learned from them, it was to be independent and self-reliant. My father always said “Stand on your own feet and my mother  would say “Don’t depend on others.” I internalized these values as a child and it has been a principle that I have followed as an adult.

After graduation, where did life take you?

I wanted to do Bachelors in Business Administration, but my father did not want to me to go to Ahmedabad for the course. After my graduation, I knew I wanted to take up a job, but was confused. Career options in those days were limited, I could get into a bank or opt for a career in insurance. But I believed that I could do better. I wanted a career in Customs. However, my father fell ill and this dream remained unrealized. I appeared for the life insurance exam and got selected. I was the only one who got selected from my college. I was not the smartest but believed that I could do well. I was around 21 years old and was keen to leave home and experience life as an independent woman

 I was posted in Dhrangadra in Surendranagar District. It was a very small place. The Life insurance office had a policy of stationing two women together at each center to ensure that we had each other for company, security, and support.  It was about four hours by bus from my hometown. Being alone made me more responsible. I had to manage with the meagre salary, but I didn’t want to burden my parents. It was tough but I loved the feeling of independence. But it only lasted for a little over a year.

But there was also the pressure to get married and settle down. Did you get married at an early age?

At sixteen, I fell in love with a boy in my school. Both families accepted our relationship because we were from the same community. It was understood that we would get married once both of us finished our education and got a job.

In December 93, at the age of 22, I got married. I was apprehensive about getting married so early but I did not have a choice. My husband too had to take on the additional responsibility of being a husband too early. After he got a job, he was posted at another location. It was understood that I had to compromise and be with him at this new location. I did not quit my job but went on long leave without pay. After some time, I was transferred to Kutch and had to quit my job as I had my first child by then and became a homemaker.

Not being able to work must have been very difficult for you. But you found a way to cope with your frustration and anger, didn’t you?

I was very upset about quitting my job. I received little support at home from either my husband or in-laws. Staying at home had its negatives. I gained considerable weight. I felt that I had lost my sense of identity, I was a mere extension of my husband. I joined a computer class with Aptech but was not able to convert that into a job opportunity.

A new fitness center had opened near my house in Surat and I decided that I would join it to lose weight. I was very focused, motivated, and excited about joining the gym. It also gave me the opportunity to do something for myself and have some me-time in the process. I lost over 24 kgs. If I look back at my weight loss now, I am not sure it was very scientific. The trainer at the gym used to say “Eat less and exercise more.” That was how my fitness journey started.

I am a very determined person. If I need to achieve something, then I focus on my goal and ensure that I work towards it. Even on the days, I did not go to the gym, I would visualize that I was on the treadmill. The visualization gave me the power to begin my journey. I was the first member of the gym to lose so much weight, that my picture and story came in the newspaper. Their business picked up well and so it was a boost for me that I could contribute to their profits.

Your weight loss journey motivated you to think about a new profession. How did that idea germinate in your mind?

My weight loss gave me a new sense of self-confidence and optimism. I remember telling the owner of the gym where I exercised, that if I had the opportunity, I would open a gym of my own. I was determined to become an entrepreneur, even if it was a small venture.  My husband got transferred to Delhi. I was once again in a conundrum as to how I could leave my children and go to the gym.  But I did not let go of my dreams of starting a business. The Universe heard me and responded positively.

I researched fitness and put together a list of articles from newspapers.  I used to read articles by Leena Mogre, a fitness expert from Mumbai who wrote about health and exercise. I had no idea about the technicalities of fitness and was not familiar with the terms used. I was also a fan of Bharat Thakur’s articles and pictures and I had a book filled with his articles on wellness. I would read about lunges, squats, planks, etc., and familiarise myself with these exercises. I also did a three-month course in yoga at the Morarji Desai Centre for Yoga. I was very much a beginner and was eager to internalize as much knowledge as I could in the area of fitness.

How did you finally realize your dream of starting a business in fitness?

My husband got transferred to Mumbai in 2004. We were based in Jalvayu Vihar in Powai. It was a new town for me, but I was determined to start the business. In September 2005, I decided to take the plunge. I did not discuss it with anyone, even my husband. I created a flyer, got 500 copies printed, and contacted my newspaper agent so that he could deliver it with the newspaper to apartments in my location. I was so nervous. Even contacting the printer and the newspaper agent was stressful for me. I had never done anything like this before. I also went to the manager of the society manager and asked for permission to start a fitness class at home. They felt it would be very useful for the women in the community and permitted me to conduct yoga and fitness classes only for women.

To start with, only one woman enrolled in the class. I charged her Rs 500 for four weeks and she lost two kgs with the training I provided. Based on my research into fitness, I created several modules to tackle different parts of the body. I used a combination of various techniques, both yoga, and exercises to help people use weight. Wellness as a concept though had not caught on. I also gave a few nutrition tips.

But your journey as a successful entrepreneur had begun. How did you sustain it?

Soon the number grew to five members within two weeks and more. I began to conduct two batches. Despite all this, I made sure I was always there for my kids and did not neglect them. My timings were such that they suited both me and the women who came for fitness training.  I had various types of clients – doctors, air hostesses, homemakers, etc.

But as with any business, one has to face challenges. I was a tenant and some of the residents resented me for running a successful business. They complained to the manager, I was harassed and asked to pay 10 percent to the society because I was earning. Eventually, we had to stop running the classes from home.

We looked around for commercial property and found a suitable space in a community in Powai. I was able to obtain some financial resources and purchase the property with support from my husband. I purchased 500 square feet of space. It was only for women and was called Reeta’s Revive.  I started my venture on 21st July 2006. I intended to revive, rejuvenate and transform the lives of women both externally and from within.

Also, in those days, the fitness business was in its nascent stages. There was no gym around my area, Talwalkar’s ( the only well-known gym in Mumbai, at that time)  was a distance away. Healthcare professionals in the area recommended clients to me, as they could see results in people who came for training. I was able to earn a decent income. It was going very well.

Since then, the response was very good and the gym has grown in strength. I purchased equipment for the gym and we hired our first trainer. The trainer was an excellent resource and taught me a lot about the technical aspects of fitness. I also did more classes in yoga and was able to offer additional classes. There was an exponential increase in the number of clients we got. I also offered power yoga and gym. As part of my yoga training, I also learned and received study material on meditation.  I also started meditation classes, and many of my clients were very appreciative. One of them even told me, that it helped open up her chakras.

I also got into pranic healing to deal with my mood swings and this was a useful course and added value for the gym too. In 2014, we shifted to a larger space.

But despite your professional success, you were going through a lot of personal turmoil. How did you address the issue?

Despite running a very successful business, I had always felt very undervalued as a person. As a result of COVID, we had to temporarily close the gym and this meant a drastic drop in income. I was conducting yoga and fitness classes online and received support from my clients. During the lockdown, I felt that my opinions and perspectives were not being taken seriously. I tried to convey this to my husband, but I was not taken seriously. There was affection and love, but my role and contribution to the family were taken for granted. I was not being heard or respected, my thoughts and feelings did not matter. In addition, I was not able to set boundaries and I began to feel a sense of suffocation. I was taking on a lot of responsibilities for the extended family and there was no reciprocation in terms of gratitude or appreciation. Feeling valued in a relationship is healthy, and while you cannot expect your partner to meet your every need, it is reasonable to expect your partner to appreciate what you do for the relationship.

Most importantly, my identity as a successful entrepreneur was not recognized or appreciated. Running a fitness business is not easy, even more so for a woman. When I was asked questions about my business, my husband would attempt to answer for me, when it was I who deserved the opportunity to respond without constantly being disrupted and derailed.  It was rude, frustrating, and counterproductive for me.

With the home atmosphere not conducive, I began to get anxiety bouts. My husband and I went for couples counselling, but it did not work. My health was also suffering. I decided that I needed to take a break from this toxic atmosphere and told my husband that I would like to separate and needed some breathing space. I did not like the person I had become. My children were supportive and realized my need to examine our life together and resolve to make changes to the relationship or simply move on from it. I needed a ‘time-out.’

Personal changes in your life have only made you stronger and come back with a resolve to help people in their fitness and mental health journeys. What are the new changes that you have introduced in your work?

 My yoga, meditation, and spirituality classes are appreciated. I got into life coaching and it helped me focus on self-care and take certain appropriate actions to turn my life around. I am now a certified life coach and can help bring others to bring their life and goals back on track. I am now using the various therapies that helped me heal and hoping to support others. I hope to cut down my time at the gym and offer my clients alternative healing, therapy, and life transformation programs.  My new goal is to offer my clients a fitness and well-being umbrella program so they can discover new things about themselves and focus on their dreams, desires, and goals with a sense of purpose and acceptance.

A new tool that has helped me and is useful for my clients is the Ho’oponopono technique.  Ho’oponopono is an ancient Hawaiian spiritual practice that involves learning to heal all things by accepting “Total Responsibility” for everything that surrounds us – confession, repentance, and reconciliation. (https://www.compassionatelistening.org/). This technique has helped so many of my clients, it has opened new ways of thinking and channeling their thoughts and perspectives.

Personally, I have also greatly benefitted from a guide or a spiritual teacher who provides me with a sense of purpose and am a follower of the Oneness Movement, which has helped me address the challenges of life in a calm and collected manner.

I want to bring awareness among people that there is a lot of emotional trauma we hold within us, and we need to first acknowledge and accept that it exists. Once we do that, we can learn to develop a positive energy space that brings about healing, understanding, and connection within oneself and with others.